[ He will not yet say the part that when you find your one person, you no longer need me bound by he rules. Because... ]
I do know I'm not required, Wanyin. I am telling you of my own accord, because I think it will be good for you to know, and because it may help you understand some things about me, and about us.
Or it might not.
[ Xichen does need a fortifying sip of tea before actually beginning, however. ]
My mother was from Caiyi town, and that is where my father met her, on his return item a night hunt. For him. She was that only one. But, to her, he was not. I knew not exactly what happened, but she ended up hurting - killing - some of his teachers. She would have been executed, were it not for my father, the sect leader, marrying her and thus granting her protection.
She was a prisoner. To atone for what he had done, my father was almost constantly in seclusion, forcing my uncle to take care of the sect until the day I succeeded as sect leader.
[ And yet, for all his wife was not into him, he sired two children with her. The implications are not brought to attention, but they still weigh heavy on Xichen's mind. ]
Back then, I promised myself I would not become my father. To make sure of that, I have disallowed myself from looking for that special person.
[ Slowly, he unclenches his tight hold around the teacup lest it shatters. ]
You see, you do not stand in the way of my happiness, for that path, I have locked away for myself long ago.
But you are here, and we are wedded, and we may yet find happiness, or at least contentment. Or we can remain strangers and not try for it.
I will not press either on you. But I need you to know that both paths are open to you.
[ The story comes slowly, carefully, and it takes Jiang Cheng a moment to swallow it all down and understand it all.
There had been stories about the former Lan Sect Leader, of course, but he'd never paid too much attention to them, more focussed on his own messy family life to worry overmuch about someone else's. For as long as Jiang Cheng had cared to pay attention to Gusu Lan, Xichen had been the one in charge and directing things, so learning about the previous sect leader and his wife wasn't important at all.
He realises, now, that might have been intentional; burying the story somewhat to make it more difficult for people to see the darker side of what might have taken place in the Cloud Recesses, especially with the implication of a lack of love between mother and father. For all that Jiang Cheng's parents had been at each other's throats constantly, he was sure there was some love between them, at least.
(Or, was it more like Lan than he thought? His mother certainly loved his father, but in return, did he...? Better not to think too much about that).
It makes sense, then, why Lan Xichen would accept this marriage. With no desire to find his other half, his special someone, arranging a wedding for the sake of a decent alliane was a good option. It was not for any particular liking of Jiang Cheng, or any real thought that this marriage might be better than any other, but because he had given up on the kind of love that other people were able to enjoy.
It shouldn't sting as much as it does, but Jiang Cheng came into this marriage knowing he was a poor prize, that he was not worth that much, not until a-Jie recovered his sect. He would never be able to be anyone's special person, and he couldn't be that to Lan Xichen. It's a bitter pill to accept, even as he swallows another long drink of his tea.
This truly was a kindness on the behalf of the Lan Sect Leader, and Jiang Cheng understands it for what it is - just as he recognises his role for what it has to be.
Unfortuntely, Jiang Cheng also doesn't know how to stop his mouth. ]
That was stupid of you. You're not like your father, and you deserved a chance to find someone to love you properly. For being so smart, Lan Xichen, you're also an idiot.
[ Eyes widening, he ducks behind his teacup. ]
... Well. Either way, the choice has been made now. I'm not planning on being a bad husband, no matter what your reasons are, even if I can't cultivate. I can be useful in other ways.
[ Xichen is. Blinking, slowly, at the outburst. The response doesn't add up, not quite. ]
Wanyin, that I've stopped myself from trying to find the one I would choose does not mean that I'd not be loved. Nor finding the one I do would mean that they would love me in return.
And whether or not you can cultivate will make no difference if I were to allow myself to look and find that he person is you, anyway.
[ slow, and careful , and inexorable. Chew on that, husband of his. ]
[ It comes out easily - perhaps too easily, a betrayal of Jiang Cheng's own private thoughts - before he takes another long drink of his tea. If he's going to keep putting his foot in his mouth, he might need to swap to the alcohol before their evening is over.
Feeling a sudden flush of embarrassment, he glances away, unable to look Xichen in the eyes. To hear it said so boldly... It hits him, and makes him shift awkwardly where he's sat. ]
There are better places to look for that kind of thing. [ But they're already married. He doesn't imagine that Xichen is the kind to stray from a marriage, no matter how political, but... He bites the inside of his cheek before he breathes out. ] You don't have to sugarcoat it for me.
[ Xichen's breath hitches, at the ease with which that response comes. He knows that many would imply the same, whether for flattery or kind estimation, but Wanyin belongs to neither group. And his statement makes his heart flutter with something that he doesn't quite recognize as hope, as he's held so very little of it for himself, but undeniable all the same. ]
I do not lie. And I disagree that there are better places, better people, to look for it than you.
[ Slowly, letting Wanyin reject it if he wishes, he reaches to him to place a hand on his shoulder and squeeze it gently. ]
Misfortunes that befell you have not dimmed the bright fire of your heart, the depths of your loyalty, or, when need calls for it, the clarity of your sight.
There are many reasons for my agreement to this union. Pity had nothing to do with them.
[ It's not necessarily because Xichen is one of the twin jades or the most eligible bachelor that Jiang Cheng thinks so highly of him. They've fought together, he's respected him for his wisdom and intelligence, for his kindness, for the dedication he has to others. It's all things that he thinks he himself lacks, given everything and all the things that he is. ]
Ah.
[ He glances away, embarrassed, cheeks too red. ]
I didn't think it was. I made you a good deal, that's all.
[ Looking at the hand touching him, he swallows. ]
I have no doubt that you will, but it may be more productive if we work a little on what you can be doing your best towards.
I, for one, do not wish you to be doing your best towards becoming someone you're not, only because you think - mistakenly - that the nonexistent person is what my sect, or I, need.
You forget, Zewu-jun, that I was raised to be a Sect Leader as well. I know what a good sect needs in their master's spouse.
[ Not exactly what his mother had been, but something similar. She had done her best and had been a good leader when needed, but he understands she had been bitter and cool, too. He can't deny that.
Jiang Cheng doesn't want to be as miserable as he thinks his mother was, but he also refuses to not be useful. To not be something good for his new sect.
That, at least, he can achieve. ]
I'll do whatever is needed of me, and be glad for it.
[ Xichen's flinch at the use of his title still is very small, but real. He withdaws his hand much more gracefully.
Though he doesn't withdraw his gaze. ]
Do you think they need an example who is trying to eradicate his personality, then, who is trying to become someone he is not, because he thinks - incorrectly, as it happens - that it is the only way?
Consider, for example, the way the disciples of Gusu Lan sect, who are bound by the same rules. But the way that Wangji follows them differs from the way that my uncle follows them, and both of them differ from the way that I do.
There are many ways to achieve the same goal. And, as someone who is your husband and as someone who cares for you, I do not want you to twist yourself until everything you do hurts, and that pain is very difficult to fix.
Today, it may be restlessness, tiredness, feeling that you do not suffice. Tomorrow, it may hurt you more.
And I wish you to be happy, even if neither of us knows what that is, right now.
[ It's impossible not to blink at the man in front of him, to try and listen to his words and take them on board. It's rare that people are as blunt with him as he is with them, and rarer now that people tiptoe around his loss of a core. The crux of it is, too, that Lan Xichen has said that he cares about him, and that...
That prickles at him.
It's more than he ever expected to have. ]
It's the only way I know.
[ And isn't that true? Hasn't he spent his entire life trying to be good enough for two parents he could never please? Comparing himself to Wei Wuxian and never matching up?
How is he meant to be good enough here if he doesn't try to be whatever Gusu Lan needs? ]
[ This is what Xichen has been trying to tell him. It's good that is getting through, a little. ]
Ah. Then, perhaps, if you allow me, we can seek a different way together?
[ He's not trying to tell him how, because they both have much to learn - about each other, about their situation now. But finding a way together would make sense, would it not? ]
[ The implication lingers in the air for a moment, acknowledged by Xichen lowering his eyes, but then they return to Wanyin, along with a slow, sweet smile that is just for him. ]
I am glad.
If you wish, I'll spend tomorrow, should nothing unexpected arrive, near you during the day, and then we can discuss it? I may have questions, or you might. Knowing and communication seem like a good place to begin.
[ his bright eyes promise, just a little, that what they are beginning might not be limited to what can be done for the sect. ]
[ Xichen's smile is utterly disarming, and for a moment all Jiang Cheng can do is stare at him, overcome by it before he breathes out and glances aside, cheeks red. ]
That is fine. Let me do some work too, at least, or I'll lose my mind with boredom.
[ When he was saying earlier that he Wanyin could very well be the one for him, if he were to allow himself to look, he meant moments like this, when Wanyin's flaming cheeks make his eyes all the brighter, and Xichen can feel his chest tighten. ]
I would not dream of keeping you isolated and bored. It would be very unfair. [ Though not strange to the sect. ] You still have considerable skills, and only an outside view of our rules and their actual practice - finding a good fit for you rather something that will exhaust you, day after day after day, will be better, I think.
For all that we strive for peacefulness, there are some who need to have some fire lit in their hearts, rather than dimmed and moderated. It seems like it might be more interesting for you than constantly trying to bank yours.
[ Jiang Cheng needs to work on his own self-belief, work on his confidence, and he knows that - but at least he's going to have time here to decide what that means. There's going to be a little less burden on him now that he isn't a Sect Leader himself, but...
He wants to ease some of Xichen's burdens, too. ]
I'll train some disciples, too. I can't cultivate, but I know enough sword form to be a good teacher.
[ And Xichen will do his share in the confidence rebuilding. Sharing some of his own burdens...
Possibly, but only trust has been built up between them, when they understand each other better and how they can be each other's strength. As they are right now, he doesn't know which might be crushingly difficult and which offensively easy.
For now, his mouth quirks up in slightly lopsided grin. ]
Giving you things to do, yes, working you to the bone, I'm far less likely to agree to. Not when I would like us to have some time for ourselves - separately or together, whichever the occasion and our wishes make more preferable.
I'll find some kind of schedule. And I will adhere to the Lan hours, to ensure that I am not overworked - as long as you do the same thing. I've seen how you work too.
[ Xichen blinks, slightly, at being called out, but instead of trying to point out that it's his duty, he can again feel his chest contract, his eyes grow soft. ]
That is... fair enough, and a schedule will be a good thing, actually. Let us go through a day or two together and see how we can build one.
[ Xichen smiles, softly, at the agreement, then accepts the tea...
And, instead of trying to tell Wanyin that he need not thank him for what seems to him basic decency, he turns his brightened eyes to his husband. ]
Thank you, as well. For all I have said - I do not wish to be unhappy, nor do I think I can avoid that if my spouse is miserable. So agreeing to let us work together, to make it possible to find a path to happiness, means much to me.
[ Which is a strange confession to make, when he is so accustomed to sadness, to disappointment, to hurt in the midst of everything else. True happiness seems such a foreign concept to Jiang Cheng most days, so to seek joy...
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
I rather thought it would not be a problem.
[ He will not yet say the part that when you find your one person, you no longer need me bound by he rules. Because... ]
I do know I'm not required, Wanyin. I am telling you of my own accord, because I think it will be good for you to know, and because it may help you understand some things about me, and about us.
Or it might not.
[ Xichen does need a fortifying sip of tea before actually beginning, however. ]
My mother was from Caiyi town, and that is where my father met her, on his return item a night hunt. For him. She was that only one. But, to her, he was not. I knew not exactly what happened, but she ended up hurting - killing - some of his teachers. She would have been executed, were it not for my father, the sect leader, marrying her and thus granting her protection.
She was a prisoner. To atone for what he had done, my father was almost constantly in seclusion, forcing my uncle to take care of the sect until the day I succeeded as sect leader.
[ And yet, for all his wife was not into him, he sired two children with her. The implications are not brought to attention, but they still weigh heavy on Xichen's mind. ]
Back then, I promised myself I would not become my father. To make sure of that, I have disallowed myself from looking for that special person.
[ Slowly, he unclenches his tight hold around the teacup lest it shatters. ]
You see, you do not stand in the way of my happiness, for that path, I have locked away for myself long ago.
But you are here, and we are wedded, and we may yet find happiness, or at least contentment. Or we can remain strangers and not try for it.
I will not press either on you. But I need you to know that both paths are open to you.
no subject
There had been stories about the former Lan Sect Leader, of course, but he'd never paid too much attention to them, more focussed on his own messy family life to worry overmuch about someone else's. For as long as Jiang Cheng had cared to pay attention to Gusu Lan, Xichen had been the one in charge and directing things, so learning about the previous sect leader and his wife wasn't important at all.
He realises, now, that might have been intentional; burying the story somewhat to make it more difficult for people to see the darker side of what might have taken place in the Cloud Recesses, especially with the implication of a lack of love between mother and father. For all that Jiang Cheng's parents had been at each other's throats constantly, he was sure there was some love between them, at least.
(Or, was it more like Lan than he thought? His mother certainly loved his father, but in return, did he...? Better not to think too much about that).
It makes sense, then, why Lan Xichen would accept this marriage. With no desire to find his other half, his special someone, arranging a wedding for the sake of a decent alliane was a good option. It was not for any particular liking of Jiang Cheng, or any real thought that this marriage might be better than any other, but because he had given up on the kind of love that other people were able to enjoy.
It shouldn't sting as much as it does, but Jiang Cheng came into this marriage knowing he was a poor prize, that he was not worth that much, not until a-Jie recovered his sect. He would never be able to be anyone's special person, and he couldn't be that to Lan Xichen. It's a bitter pill to accept, even as he swallows another long drink of his tea.
This truly was a kindness on the behalf of the Lan Sect Leader, and Jiang Cheng understands it for what it is - just as he recognises his role for what it has to be.
Unfortuntely, Jiang Cheng also doesn't know how to stop his mouth. ]
That was stupid of you. You're not like your father, and you deserved a chance to find someone to love you properly. For being so smart, Lan Xichen, you're also an idiot.
[ Eyes widening, he ducks behind his teacup. ]
... Well. Either way, the choice has been made now. I'm not planning on being a bad husband, no matter what your reasons are, even if I can't cultivate. I can be useful in other ways.
no subject
Wanyin, that I've stopped myself from trying to find the one I would choose does not mean that I'd not be loved. Nor finding the one I do would mean that they would love me in return.
And whether or not you can cultivate will make no difference if I were to allow myself to look and find that he person is you, anyway.
[ slow, and careful , and inexorable. Chew on that, husband of his. ]
no subject
[ It comes out easily - perhaps too easily, a betrayal of Jiang Cheng's own private thoughts - before he takes another long drink of his tea. If he's going to keep putting his foot in his mouth, he might need to swap to the alcohol before their evening is over.
Feeling a sudden flush of embarrassment, he glances away, unable to look Xichen in the eyes. To hear it said so boldly... It hits him, and makes him shift awkwardly where he's sat. ]
There are better places to look for that kind of thing. [ But they're already married. He doesn't imagine that Xichen is the kind to stray from a marriage, no matter how political, but... He bites the inside of his cheek before he breathes out. ] You don't have to sugarcoat it for me.
no subject
I do not lie. And I disagree that there are better places, better people, to look for it than you.
[ Slowly, letting Wanyin reject it if he wishes, he reaches to him to place a hand on his shoulder and squeeze it gently. ]
Misfortunes that befell you have not dimmed the bright fire of your heart, the depths of your loyalty, or, when need calls for it, the clarity of your sight.
There are many reasons for my agreement to this union. Pity had nothing to do with them.
no subject
Ah.
[ He glances away, embarrassed, cheeks too red. ]
I didn't think it was. I made you a good deal, that's all.
[ Looking at the hand touching him, he swallows. ]
Even then, I'll be doing my best.
no subject
[ Gently, still, but firmly, also.
A beat, then. ]
I have no doubt that you will, but it may be more productive if we work a little on what you can be doing your best towards.
I, for one, do not wish you to be doing your best towards becoming someone you're not, only because you think - mistakenly - that the nonexistent person is what my sect, or I, need.
no subject
[ Not exactly what his mother had been, but something similar. She had done her best and had been a good leader when needed, but he understands she had been bitter and cool, too. He can't deny that.
Jiang Cheng doesn't want to be as miserable as he thinks his mother was, but he also refuses to not be useful. To not be something good for his new sect.
That, at least, he can achieve. ]
I'll do whatever is needed of me, and be glad for it.
no subject
Though he doesn't withdraw his gaze. ]
Do you think they need an example who is trying to eradicate his personality, then, who is trying to become someone he is not, because he thinks - incorrectly, as it happens - that it is the only way?
Consider, for example, the way the disciples of Gusu Lan sect, who are bound by the same rules. But the way that Wangji follows them differs from the way that my uncle follows them, and both of them differ from the way that I do.
There are many ways to achieve the same goal. And, as someone who is your husband and as someone who cares for you, I do not want you to twist yourself until everything you do hurts, and that pain is very difficult to fix.
Today, it may be restlessness, tiredness, feeling that you do not suffice. Tomorrow, it may hurt you more.
And I wish you to be happy, even if neither of us knows what that is, right now.
no subject
That prickles at him.
It's more than he ever expected to have. ]
It's the only way I know.
[ And isn't that true? Hasn't he spent his entire life trying to be good enough for two parents he could never please? Comparing himself to Wei Wuxian and never matching up?
How is he meant to be good enough here if he doesn't try to be whatever Gusu Lan needs? ]
no subject
Ah. Then, perhaps, if you allow me, we can seek a different way together?
[ He's not trying to tell him how, because they both have much to learn - about each other, about their situation now. But finding a way together would make sense, would it not? ]
no subject
... I'll - of course, I'll allow. I don't want us to live in misery.
[ Like his parents. It's unsaid, but... ]
no subject
I am glad.
If you wish, I'll spend tomorrow, should nothing unexpected arrive, near you during the day, and then we can discuss it? I may have questions, or you might. Knowing and communication seem like a good place to begin.
[ his bright eyes promise, just a little, that what they are beginning might not be limited to what can be done for the sect. ]
no subject
That is fine. Let me do some work too, at least, or I'll lose my mind with boredom.
no subject
I would not dream of keeping you isolated and bored. It would be very unfair. [ Though not strange to the sect. ] You still have considerable skills, and only an outside view of our rules and their actual practice - finding a good fit for you rather something that will exhaust you, day after day after day, will be better, I think.
For all that we strive for peacefulness, there are some who need to have some fire lit in their hearts, rather than dimmed and moderated. It seems like it might be more interesting for you than constantly trying to bank yours.
no subject
He wants to ease some of Xichen's burdens, too. ]
I'll train some disciples, too. I can't cultivate, but I know enough sword form to be a good teacher.
[ A huff as he drinks his tea. ]
And I am adept at accounting.
no subject
Possibly, but only trust has been built up between them, when they understand each other better and how they can be each other's strength. As they are right now, he doesn't know which might be crushingly difficult and which offensively easy.
For now, his mouth quirks up in slightly lopsided grin. ]
Giving you things to do, yes, working you to the bone, I'm far less likely to agree to. Not when I would like us to have some time for ourselves - separately or together, whichever the occasion and our wishes make more preferable.
no subject
[ Jiang Cheng frowns, pausing to consider. ]
I'll find some kind of schedule. And I will adhere to the Lan hours, to ensure that I am not overworked - as long as you do the same thing. I've seen how you work too.
no subject
That is... fair enough, and a schedule will be a good thing, actually. Let us go through a day or two together and see how we can build one.
no subject
[ And then, remembering himself, he makes sure Xichen's cup is properly filled. ]
... Thank you.
no subject
And, instead of trying to tell Wanyin that he need not thank him for what seems to him basic decency, he turns his brightened eyes to his husband. ]
Thank you, as well. For all I have said - I do not wish to be unhappy, nor do I think I can avoid that if my spouse is miserable. So agreeing to let us work together, to make it possible to find a path to happiness, means much to me.
no subject
[ Which is a strange confession to make, when he is so accustomed to sadness, to disappointment, to hurt in the midst of everything else. True happiness seems such a foreign concept to Jiang Cheng most days, so to seek joy...
It'll be difficult. But he's willing. ]
This is a partnership. So we can do our best.