"I would appreciate that. Thank you, Zewu-jun." Trying to be polite while also wrangling a toddler is proving to be something Jiang Cheng is less adept at than he'd like. It's difficult to keep the stern, almost tense nature of his position as a sect leader when he's jiggling a child on his leg to stop him crying. He has yet to discuss how Jin Guangyao manages his position with his nephew, and he's not inclined to bother; as much help as Meng Yao had been during their campaign Jiang Cheng still feels a level of discomfort handing Jin Ling back to him.
He rubs Jin Ling's back gently, letting the little boy cuddle into him, trying not to despair too terribly about stains on his robes with a dirty child - not that the boy can help it. At least Lan Xichen is smiling gently, isn't too offended or upset by the fact that he's coddling the boy. He supposes it's an understandable sentiment, given the fact that he is helping raise Lan Shizui as well.
Lifting his head, he offers a thankful smile as he takes the silk, cleaning himself and his nephew before he folds it gently. He'll have to have it cleaned and returned, but that is a thought for another moment - for now, he lifts himself up, climbing to his feet one-handed, Jin Ling cuddling into his shoulder as he's used to doing.
"I think Jin Ling would enjoy a walk." As would he, if he is to be frank. His legs are beginning to hurt and his eyes are a little uncomfortable from reading for so long. Letting his arm tighten around his nephew, he hesitates, waiting for Lan Xichen to lead the way. He's been to Cloud Recesses before, of course, and is well aware of the rules and regulations that the Lan follow - and he must follow the same while he is a guest here, no matter what.
It's the kind of thing he is not looking forward to educating his already spoilt nephew in.
"... The rabbits are still there?" His voice is quiet as he asks. He's not entirely sure if he was meant to find the rabbits, that one time with Wei Wuxian and his sister, but it strikes a chord in his heart all the same. Yanli hadn't wanted to separate them for fear of the family being upset, and now he will return, alone and isolated. That's enough to make him feel a twist of uncomfortable nausea. "I remember them from when I came before."
Xichen pushes himself to his feet as well, steadier without a toddler clinging to his frame and no need to counter balance. It is not for long, though, as his attention briefly turns to his own sleeping nephew. "Little rabbit, time to wake up," he says softly, hand stroking the side of his face and tone gentle, reserved for this boy who stirs and rubs at his eyes.
A-Yuan, thankfully, is a well-behaved and easy child in comparison to some. He throws his tantrums still, cries for Xichen often and sees him as his father more than the man who has claimed him as his child, but he is easy to coax from sleep and happy to spend an afternoon on the back hill. His only fuss, a small request, is that they stop by the kitchens to get carrots for the rabbits so he can show A-Ling how to feed them.
Xichen takes his nephews hand when the boy reaches for it, after straightening his robes quietly and wiping the sleep from his eyes with another cloth pulled from his sleeves. He glances back at Jiang Wanyin to see how he's fared with his own ward. His brows draw together at the mention of the rabbits, then rise upward toward the Heavens. "Ah..."
That is a delicate matter after all, but if Jiang Wanyin is aware then there is no reason to hide it. "Pets are not allowed in the Cloud Recess but the rabbits have made the back hill their home in recent years. It would be cruel to displace them now."
"Baba's rabbits," A-Yuan helpfully provides, swinging Xichen's hand between them and tugging lightly toward the door. "Yuan-er can show A-Ling, Sect Leader Jiang?" He looks first at Uncle and then Sect Leader Jiang, whose title he has tried to pronounce because that is what Uncle has said is proper.
If he were one to grow flustered in the company of others, Xichen would. He feels his cheeks heat slightly, lets out a soft huff of a laugh. "And there is that," he admits, bashful as he leads them from the Library Pavilion before they make the journey through the winding paths toward their first stop to gather vegetables the rabbits. "Feeding them has become a task for the young disciples."
Jiang Cheng, at least, cannot feel too much shame in admitting that he has seen the rabbits before. It wasn't necessarily something that was his fault; it is part of the whirlwind that Wei Wuxian had been in his life when he was much younger, when his brother had been the guiding force in almost everything that he had done. So much has changed over the years; he has his clan, now, his links to Lanling, his nephew, clinging to him and finding peace in the arms of his irritable uncle.
For now Jin Ling seems happy enough to cuddle into his uncle and not make a fuss, one finger hovering near his mouth as if he might start to suck on it. A terrible habit, but not one that Jiang Cheng has the heart to try and deal with right now, not when his little one is still so young. There are more important lessons for him to learn, especially when his youth will be taken so quickly by training and preparation to become the next leader of his clan.
The smile that settles on his face is fond enough, though, as Lan Xichen continues. Of course pets are not allowed, that is one of the rules, but who could remove the rabbits from the hillsides? Who could separate them from one another? Breaking a family is a cruelty no one could bear, surely - and he would know; he has seen it happen in practice, more often than just the once. It still stains his heart even today.
"The rabbits are not within the control of Gusu, of course. They are wild creatures." The smile that prickles on his face is enough to show just what he thinks of that notion; they're pets, or as close to pets as the Grandmaster might allow his nephews and the clan members to have without completely breaking the rules. There are worse crimes in the eyes of the Lan, after all, and rabbits are sure to be the least of their concerns in this new world they're venturing into.
Seeing Lan Xichen with Lan Yuan, seeing the two of them... It makes his chest feel tight and warm all at once, makes him feel overwhelmed, and he has to turn his head away to gather himself. He can feel the burn of the petals, the boil in his blood, and he has to force himself to stay calm, to not let himself completely fall apart - because if he does then Xichen will know the truth, will learn just how he feels, and that will destroy the friendship that he has come to cherish so desperately.
He is desperately afraid that if Xichen finds out...
"Won't that be nice, a-Ling?" Jiang Cheng smiles, letting himself press a soft kiss to the side of his nephew's face. "Young Master Lan can show you the rabbits. The two of you can learn to take care of them, perhaps, so that when you're older and grown up you can take care of something of your own." Perhaps a dog, or something like that. A dog would suit the growing Jin Ling just fine.
Stepping closer, he lets himself embrace the moment, lets himself have warmth, to pretend that he can find some kind of joy in this.
"It is a task that a-Ling must learn, too. He will be trained at Gusu one day as well."
"Sect Leader Jiang is wise," Lan Xichen cannot hold back his smile and nod, almost amused at Jiang Wanyin's reasoning reasoning for allowing the rabbits to remain. They mirror ones he spoke to his Uncle, once, and make his chest ache with sensations and discomfort he does not wish to name even if the precepts warn against being dishonest even with one's self.
Lan Xichen knows his heart, that is not the problem at hand.
"It is only fair then, that Young Master Jin learns and has the same advantage A-Yuan will have," Xichen says with a hint of teasing, looking fondly form his own nephew, to the toddler in Jiang Wanyin's hold before settling on the younger man. "Cloud Recess will be happy to have him as a student, when the time comes."
It would be improper not to extend an invitation to the Jin heir, but Xichen is extending it to Jiang Wanyin's nephew personally none-the-less.
On the quick stop to the kitchens, Xichen acquires a small basket which he fills with vegetables that Lan Yuan chooses. The boy shows each one to Jin Rulan, as if the toddler's approval is needed for each. Once that task is complete, Xichen leads them toward the pasture on the back hill. The meadow is empty, quiet and warmed by the afternoon Sun. The rabbits, which have been hiding, approach slowly as they realized that someone has come to feed them. They are not as bold as they would be if it were just Xichen and his nephew, nor as bold if their favorite human was with them, but they know what the basket means.
Xichen sets down the basket in the shade of one of the tall trees, gracefully settles down on the grass and glances up at Jiang Wanyin so he can gesture for him to join him. "I am afraid while A-Yuan can handle most of the hard work, we are not free of our duties as his assistants."
Standing and looking at the rabbits is almost too painful for a moment, overcome with the memory of being here with his sister and brother so long ago. It feels like another lifetime, as if he was another man entirely, and the discomfort he feels is only settled when he feels Jin Ling wiggle in his arms, desperate to take part in taking care of the rabbits - which are absolutely not pets, of course.
Jiang Cheng lets himself bend down and place his nephew on the ground; as sure as he is that he could watch him like a hawk the entire time, he is equally confident that both Xichen and Lan Yuan would take just as much care to watch over him and make sure he did not trip or stumble. It's safe enough here, deep in Gusu, and Jiang Cheng can let himself breathe for a moment.
It would be easy to imagine that they are a family here, that he and Xichen are taking care of their children, that this is a path they had chosen to walk together, and even the idea of it makes him feel as though he might lose his lunch to flowers. He has to close his eyes and breathe, settling his hands over his waist to stop himself from lurching even a little. Romantic notions will kill him, he knows this, but he cannot stop the way his mind wanders away from him.
"He will be happy to come, I think. Lanling is dedicated in its care for him but there are little in terms of children close to his age. It will do him good to spend some time with his peers." He had grown up with siblings, after all, but Jin Ling will never have a little brother or little sister to tease and protect. He will have nothing but hurt and echoes and uncles guarding his step.
Stepping around the excited child wiggling forward to look at the rabbits, Jiang Cheng allows himself to pause and move over to Xichen, to settle down and take a seat, letting his robes fold around him. This is comfortable - he does not have to be Sect Leader Jiang here. He can simply be himself, simply be Jiang Cheng. Even if Xichen does not call him by name he cannot complain - that may well be a blessing.
[ooc; just noticed the formatting is not consistent in my last tag ;;;;;; wah. sorry, dear!]
"Having children one's own age to interact with is important. A-Yuan is his senior, but I am glad they have taken to each other," Xichen says softly, brows creased slightly as he watches as A-Yuan tries to explain to Jin Ling how to feed the rabbits. The toddler seems awed, excited, but the rabbits are luckily not so wary after time spent with with both the younger disciples and A-Yuan in his younger days.
Lan Xichen is glad, that if he had no other reason, he could use the friendship of his nephew and Jiang Wanyin's to spend more time with the other man. He is evermore grateful that it does not need to come to that; that they have formed a friendship of their own that binds them beyond duty as sect leaders and caretakers.
He watches Jiang Wanyin as he settles down, lets his eyes rake over his profile for a moment and wonders if they could do this again. If enjoying afternoons together, not bound by work or it's shadow, is in the future for them. A part of him too large to voice wishes it was so. "Hm?" he misses the question, nearly, and then recovers.
"Ah-- Well. It is a trusted secret, I am afraid," he pauses then, "but as often as duty allows." The smile he wears is tinted with a glint of mischief, easy to miss. "It helps him settle and he has yet to attend classes or spend much time with his peers." It is a complicated thing, his nephew's care. Lan Yuan's father is far from well enough to take him, the caretakers who watch him while his uncle works do not indulge this habit and it is not like the Grandmaster would take his grand-nephew to see rabbits he chooses to pretend do not exists.
Often, duty does not allow, but Xichen is happy to compensate for time spent in the bunny pasture or teaching lessons that will help Yuan when he joins the junior disciples by staying up and working well past the appropriate time. The rules may discourage it but Xichen has long stopped seeing the world in shades of black and white, understands that the extra handstands, the tiredness that weighs him down through his days, is worth it. ""It also helps him remember his father."
"There is little of that with his other uncle," Jiang Cheng admits quietly. "I do not want him growing up thinking he is too superior to others - it did not do his father any good." He is better than others by nature of being the heir presumptive to two clans - Jin and Jiang - but that didn't mean that Jin Ling had the right to be too arrogant. Jiang Cheng planned to try and nurse that out of him as quickly as possible, even if Jin Guanyao might try to do the opposite.
Settling down, Jiang Cheng lets himself stare at the children as they look at the rabbits, Jin Ling's eyes wide and awed as the animals hop around. He remembers his own sense of awe and joy when he had first been given his dogs, first been allowed the puppies to raise as his own. It seemed more like another lifetime, now, an eternity ago, before Wei Wuxian came into his life. Even now there are no dogs hanging around the steps of Lotus Pier, and no Jiang disciples are permitted to own one.
Some promises cannot be broken.
Lifting a hand to touch at his chest, rubbing at the awkward, tense feeling that settles there, he breathes out and forces himself to calm down and relax. There is nothing he can do other than to breathe, to try and remain calm despite the warm, heady comfort of having Lan Xichen sitting at his side. It feels terrifyingly domestic, as if they are a family together rather than two uncles with their nephews, watching them with a sad fondness as they think of the departed.
"I do not have much to help Jin Ling know his mother," Jiang Cheng admits, voice low and quiet. He leaves the matter of Jin Zixuan to Jin Guangyao, but Yanli is his and his alone. He can still feel the weight of her in his arms at times. "I have tried to remake the soup she always made me and -" and Wei Wuxian, words that he can't quite manage to say "- but I've never been able to get it right. Perhaps by the time he's an adult I'll have mastered it for him."
Lan Xichen allows himself a soft hum of acknowledgement for the statement, thinking back on Jin Zixuan. Though his own relationship with the Jin Clan primarily meant dealing with Jin Guangshan in duties as Sect Leader before the war and then when the man become Chief Cultivator, even when Jin Zixuan lived, Xichen had corresponded with Meng Yao as a liason with the Jin Clan even before the circumstances to him becoming heir apparent. What he remembers of Jin Zixuan, of him as a student before they were comrades in a war, paints truth to Jiang Wanyin's sentiment.
"Few children his age in Koi Tower?" he asks, glancing at his companion after a moment of thought. He cannot say he remembers many, truthfully. It seems like their generation is not so blessed with the sound of children's laughter.
Xichen has the sound of his nephew to fill the silence, but children of his own -- that is a thread of thought he does not wish to tug. Not in the current moment, when his heart flutters so at the comfortable air around him and Jiang Wanyin as they watch their nephews play in the grass. "I am sure between you and A-Yao, he will not see himself as too superior."
His sworn brother, after all, understands what it is like to be looked down on by others. Between him and Jiang Wanyin, he cannot see either raising a child overcome with a sense that he is above all.
"What soup would she make for you?" Xichen asks, asking this instead of the question that sits on the tip of his tongue. It is really an invitation for the other to tell him more of his sister or to keep to the safe topic of soup.
Jiang Cheng often makes a conscious effort to avoid speaking about his companion in fatherhood - if that's what he can call Jin Guangyao, another uncle to the orphaned child. It isn't that he takes many issues with the man, not usually, but they often disagree on the best ways to raise a child and how Jin Ling ought to live. He also can admit, if only to himself, that he doesn't want to think too hard on the closeness between Jin Guangyao and Lan Xichen, honoured brothers and dear friends both. It's enough to make the roots in his throat twist and knot, to make him choke on his voice.
Those are thoughts for moments in isolation and nowhere else.
"I think things have been difficult for them," he finally admits, letting his eyes gaze over at his nephew. "I don't ask about it because it is not my business. I only go there to pick up a-Ling and deliver him back to his uncle when it is time for him to be at Koi Tower. I'm not going to ask them about other children for him, not when he can come here or visit Lotus Pier where we have a few."
Not many, but a few. Yunmeng is rebuilding, has been rebuilding, and Jiang Cheng hopes it will flourish with the same kind of happiness and joy there had been when his parents had lived. He can remember the joy of the children when he and Wei Wuxian had come to watch them train, their pride and glee when they received even a single word of praise. It had been enough for him, once.
Lost in his thoughts, he barely hears what Xichen says, which is embarrassment enough. He should pay more attention, commit every single moment to memory, not lose even a second of it. The idea that he might forget any of this one day, with death creeping closer by the second, seemed like an eternal folly.
"We can try, but he is still a Jin and the Peacock's son. Some things must be passed from father to son." He means it as a joke, even as he knows the truth. How can a-Ling be like a father he will never get to meet?
Leaning back on his palms, he sighs, looking pensive and sad, admitting his own sadness to himself even as his voice betrays the melancholy that thinking of his sister brings.
"Lotus and rib soup. She would always make it when one of us was upset or if there was someone who needed cheering. She even brought it to the Burial Mounds, to make sure that Wei Wuxian knew he could come to the wedding. That he could name her son." His face twists, just a little. "Jin Rulan. He chose that." Jin Ling perks up at the sound of his name but, seeing no motion to move, focuses again on the bunnies.
There is a part of Lan Xichen that wishes to point out that the halls of Jinlingtai house Jiang Wanyin's nephew and his family, by extension they are the Jiang Sect Leader's family. If one expected him to take the teachings of his clan literally, he would put the thoughts to words, but Xichen understands that the relationship is complicated and instead nods along to the younger man's assessment.
A-Yao has voiced his concerns in his own way.
He settles on something that rings truer instead, an offer that has stood long in his thoughts but he has not yet voiced. "Jin Ling is always welcome here, A-Yuan greatly enjoys his company and I am sure he will easily make more friends here as he grows. If you feel it would benefit him to visit in the future, the gates of Cloud Recess will always be opened."
There is no need to ask.
You are always welcome.
I would love if you were always close.
The thoughts are bold and with them, his chest constricts. Lan Xichen lifts a sleeve, coughing behind it with the hopes that he can keep the flowers blooming at bay. It passes without a fit, though a moment later it threatens to overwhelm him again as he watches Jiang Wanyin lean back and speak again.
This time his heart aches in a different way, longing to soothe.
"Your sister was very kind," he says softly, brows furrowed as he thinks of Jiang Yanli. "A meal made by someone or shared with someone we love often tastes better, I've found. The tanghulu Wangji and I were able to bring back to Cloud Recess to share with our mother. Even if it is not the same as your sisters, I am sure Jin Ling will enjoy the soup you will make him."
"Ah. I had not known that Wei Wuxian had chosen it." The 'lan' seems more poignant suddenly and Xichen wonders what Wangji will think when he leaves seclusion, if he'd known.
"She was kind. The Jiang Sect always seeks to achieve the impossible and my sister did it by attempting to offer love and kindness to everyone, even those who might not have deserved it." There's no point discussing who he might be thinking about - whether he means her husband or Wei Wuxian or someone else. Jiang Yanli had always been one of the most wonderful and perfect people he had ever met, and he can't ignore the way that he misses her, the kind of desperation that burns through him.
Whenever he thinks of her he feels himself slipping back into something he had been before, the child that he had been forced to abandon when the Sunshot Campaign had happened. He sits up a little straighter, back seeming like someone had placed a plank down his robes, his arms settling back into his lap. There's no time for idle relaxation when he's trying to emulate the person his sister had always thought him to be, especially when Jin Ling glances back at the sadness in his voice and the way he moves, anxious and uncertain all at once.
His eyes glance over to Xichen when he coughs and he feels his own throat feel a little tight. He wants to lean over and comfort him but doesn't dare - he can't put himself nor the other man in that position. It feels too cruel.
Still, he nods his head, looking at his nephew with a kind of softness no one else would ever hope to see.
"I have tried to make it, but I'm too..." He shakes his head. Cooking has never been his strong suit, not with his anger and his hurt and his regrets. Maybe that comes across in the meal, or perhaps he simply puts so much lotus into it that the bitterness comes from the imbalance of the flavours. He can't be sure what he does wrong.
"We went to the Mounds together because she wanted to show him her wedding dress." He shakes his head, trying to not let his hurt and anger seep into his words. "So she made soup and we travelled together and she had him pick the name. She never forgot about him, no matter what things he did." Terrible or good, in her eyes Wei Wuxian was perfect, or as near to it as anyone. It was the same as his father.
"Those whom we may think do not deserve kindness, are sometimes those that may need to be shown it the most," Xichen muses as his throat still aches. It is an argument he has had before, but this is not the time and place for that train of thought. Not when he sees the weight momentarily slip from Jiang Wanyin's shoulders for the briefest of moments.
It returns, though he's not sure if it's still a weight or if the man has realised he's bared something he did not want to be seen. They are friends, of course, but there is still such a thing as too much vulnerability between even the closest of friends.
It's that similar softness, the dulling of Jiang Wanyin's edges that makes Xichen's heart ache again. Sandu Shengshou is not known for much except for his anger, though Xichen feels the whole of the cultivation world are fools for not seeing of the tenderness he is capable of showing his nephew. The pain rattling his ribcage is worth the sight before him, rare as the glimpse is. "There is strength in offering kindness when faced with an inevitable outcome. The fact she was able to do so, shows your sister lived true to your Sect's ideals. As do you."
"And there are some people who think they deserve kindness that don't in the end, aren't there?" Jiang Cheng had seen enough of those people; he had been a witness to them. It leaves a weight in his chest to think about it, because no matter what happens, no matter what he does or thinks, he's left with his mind transporting back to Wei Wuxian.
It makes him grind his teeth together, lifting a hand to rub at his throat absently. Maybe he'll die soon anyway. Maybe a-Ling would be able to stay here, though; maybe Xichen would take care of him alongside the little Sizhui. They'd make good sworn brothers.
Rubbing a hand over his face, he breathes out gently.
"Achieve the impossible." His expression sours and he shakes his head. "Lan Xichen, your kindness is appreciated, but I'm not the one who met the expectations of Yunmeng. I have yet to achieve any kind of impossibility." Yanli married the Peacock, married well, had a perfect child. Wei Wuxian was... Well, Wei Wuxian. What was Jiang Cheng in comparison to that? "But thank you all the same."
"That is true, there are." There are those that push away kindness and lash out, Xichen won't argue that there are those who prove they don't deserve it. Still, they must be given the chance to show their character and perhaps prove otherwise.
He does not bring up Wei Wuxian, though he knows that is who his companion is referring too. That is a man he will not argue for, not after what he'd done to his family, to the cultivation world, and to Wangji. Xichen bears no warmth for the former Yiling Patriarch now, but he had also reached out with words of caution once and been proven wrong.
He frowns as Jiang Wanyin's expression sours, feels a pang of panic in his chest as he realizes he's caused offense. It melts into confusion as the man speaks, which he cannot keep from showing on his face. "It is not merely kindness, Wanyin, and on this matter I must disagree. What you've achieved as you rebuild your home and Sect, as you raise your nephew.. is that not something?"
Jiang Cheng wishes that he could lash out, that he could be more angry, more violent, but the target of his rage has been gone for some time now. There's no one he can blame but himself, no one he can be angry at but his own longevity - that he lives when the rest of the people he has loved are gone. The idea of there being someone else to take the brunt of his hurt... It is impossible. He is a proper Sect leader now and his friends are far and few between.
He stares at Jin Ling and wishes, desperately, that he could do something to bring his mother and father back. He would give up his own life to do it, and there's no hesitation there. Slowly, his gaze flicks back over to Lan Xichen and he breathes out gently, letting some of the softness colour his face. He would give up this friendship, the depth of his love and deep affection, for the hope of Jin Ling's joy.
Covering his mouth, he tries to hide the sudden push of flowers and thorns in his throat.
"I'm not the only one who has done that, though, am I?" He looks at Xichen, swallowing the white-blue petals. "I know what the Wen Sect did to Gusu. Yunmeng was not the only ones who suffered and have rebuilt since then. I can't lay claim to something that isn't mine alone."
Xichen watches Wanyin with worry as his gaze drifts to his nephew and back. He sees him move, the tension as he covers his mouth. "Wanyin, are you alright?"
The man recovers but Xichen still feels worry; knows the pain he suffers though he has not revealed his own.
The worry remains but melts into something else when Jiang Wanyin speaks, explains himself and makes Xichen's heart ache even more. He feels nauseous with, like he cannot breath. He forces himself to take a deep breath again, shakes his head. "You are right, that Gusu also suffered at the hands of the Wen and we have also rebuilt. But that rebuilding was eased by how much was saved, by support from Lanling and Qinghe that I am forever grateful for."
He knows that Lanling only offered their support because of Meng Yao, but he doubts the man would have attempted to sway his father to support Yunmeng even if Wanyin had asked.
"Even as I raise my nephew, it is with the help of many, including a man who I know has barely enough time for himself and has achieved what I am struggling to do with many standing ready to aid me all on his own.
The feat is not diminished because you're not the only that's walked the path, and as someone who has been on this journey beside you, I am awed at what you've accomplished all the same."
Jiang Cheng has to let his hands rest on his throat, touching the skin there, as if he could feel the thorns pushing through to cut into his fingertips. It's not something that Lan Xichen hasn't seen before - the symptoms were familiar and he'd been forced to share it when he had first come begging for the archives - but he doesn't want to make more of a show of it. He doesn't want the other Sect Leader to recognise the flowers and who they belong to.
It's a conversation he simply cannot let himself have, knowing the rejection could quite literally kill him.
Instead, he waves off the concern, forcing his hands back down to his lap, letting his eyes drink in the children. It's comfortable, seeing his a-Ling play around with other children his age. Maybe he should take him out of Lotus Pier more often, away from the peering gazes of Guangyao's spies and the weight of knowing too much about how painful his future will be.
"I'm fine," he shakes his head. "And I don't need your compliments, I assure you. I know what Yunmeng has achieved." Bowing his head, he forces himself to swallow back the pain in his throat, the way he can taste the metallic echo of blood on his tongue. He's not sure how much longer he can do this, how much longer he can survive before his lungs cannot draw in air.
Jiang Cheng closes his eyes and allows himself to be painfully honest.
For a moment, Xichen's hand comes to rest on Jiang Wanyin's shoulder. He does it before he thinks, hopes to provide steadiness and comfort when he sees the man is in pain. It makes him hurt, his insides twist to know that there is nothing he can do.
That it is not his place to do anything to help him, not in the way he wishes that he could.
"It is what you have achieved, Wanyin," he says soft but firm, meaning it. He will not back down on that, even if it something that the younger man will fight him on. He is learning, slowly, that Jiang Wanyin sees his accomplishments as not his own -- not as accomplishments but expectations. It hurts to see it, but it also awes Xichen in a way. This is a man who has overcome so much, who has accomplished it and has not lost himself to pride and hubris. There is much to be admired in that.
His throat burns when the younger looks up, when his voice sounds so torn and raw. "We will find the answer. I will not let anything happen," he says with the same firmness, speaking the words before he realizes he's let them slip out but knowing that they are true.
Jiang Cheng shakes his head, feeling the pain in his throat and the agony in his chest - he feels on edge, sharply so, and he knows it is coming. He knows that he doesn't have much time left, he doesn't know how many days there are before it'll be ripped away from him, and he doesn't want to spend it dwelling or in agony. He wants to be okay, but there's no promise that he'll achieve that.
That he'll get it.
Letting his hands drop down to his lap, Jiang Cheng pushes himself a little to find his voice. It hurts, throat scratchy and sore, but he musters himself. What happens next is incredibly important and he can't stop himself from saying words that break his heart to muster.
"When I die," Jiang Cheng speaks, voice almost shaky, "you must take care of a-Ling. I know that Jin Guangyao will make sure he is raised well, that he has everything that he wants, but there are some things that man can't do for him. I want him to have good friends, I want him to be happy. If I am gone then I do not know what will happen to him."
Hearing his name, a-Ling lifts his head up, giggling a little as his uncle waves his hand.
"And you must make sure he gets Zidian in the future."
The certainty with which Wanyin speaks of his death hurts, causes sharp vines to grow in Xichen's lungs and twist so painfully in his chest that Xichen doesn't realize that he's holding on so tightly to the fabric of Wanyin's robes.
"Wanyin--" he starts and stops, coughs and manages to swallow down this new pain. It had not been so overwhelming before, this affliction that he does not understand and cannot fathom. "Jin Ling will always have a place at Cloud Recess and be welcomed here. It's doors are always open to him and to you, whenever you need or like. I will do everything in my power to ensure he is happy, that he does not feel alone and that Cloud Recess can be a home to him." Even if something happens to Lan Xichen, he'll make arrangements to ensure it. It will be difficult, he knows, given that the boy is heir to another clan but in this moment logic means very little. "But-- while I promise this, I must ask that you not plan for this to become an inevitability so soon."
Please.
The thought of it, the reality, that makes Lan Xichen feel sicker than the thorns growing so rapidly.
"I don't think I have any other course of action. Not at this point."
Jiang Cheng lifts his hand and touches his neck, feeling the ache there, the pain, surprised it hasn't burst out into bruises. He's shocked no one else could tell what was happening to him, that the flowers in his throat are enough to burn through him and explode out from under his skin. How could anyone understand what is happening to him and not expect death to be the next logical outcome?
It's not as if the cure would be something easy for him to accomplish.
"But thank you for your promise. It soothes me a great deal to know my child - my nephew will be cared for." He'll also have to ensure that Yunmeng has a proper heir, that they're trained and taught as best as he can manage in the time he has left, but he has a few months for that, at least.
"I will not give up in finding an alternative," Xichen knows they are friends, that this level of friendship is precious and so recently earned. He feels selfish that he craves more, that he cannot fathom that a life where this man is not part of it.
"You must forgive my boldness, but I cannot allow something to happen to you if there is a chance I am able to prevent it." It is desperation speaking then, causing his voice to tremble.
"You might have to," Jiang Cheng states after a moment of silence. His throat is being torn apart by the care and concern being shown to him by the wonder that is Lan Xichen, and he reaches up to touch the skin there with a sad, breathy little noise.
It hurts. Everything about this hurts.
"I would welcome it if there were something, Zewu-jun, but I am afraid we are out of options. I can feel it."
"No," firmer this time, still desperate. It is strange, Xichen thinks, that this is an inevitability he cannot accept when his mind has accepted so many others. The inevitability of that Nie Mingjue's cultivation practice will eventually lead to ruin that can only be delayed, that while his brother's wounds may heal they will never truly close.
This feels different.
"We have not tried all versions of Clarity to ease this," he offers, desperate still. It is that desperation the distracts him from his own discomfort, from the tightness in his throat. He is coughing up bloodied petals before he realizes it and it is reflex that lifts his hand to cover his mouth, to catch the bloodied mass to stop it from joining the droplets of blood that stain the ground between them and the white silk of his robes.
"We have tried enough to know that it won't work!"
Jiang Cheng sits up a little, the sharpness of his tone attracting the attention of his nephew and playmate. He forces himself to breathe, offering them a wave to calm them down, before he speaks again, voice just as terse but a little hushed.
Just to be safe.
"Why can't you let me accept my death with grace?"
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He rubs Jin Ling's back gently, letting the little boy cuddle into him, trying not to despair too terribly about stains on his robes with a dirty child - not that the boy can help it. At least Lan Xichen is smiling gently, isn't too offended or upset by the fact that he's coddling the boy. He supposes it's an understandable sentiment, given the fact that he is helping raise Lan Shizui as well.
Lifting his head, he offers a thankful smile as he takes the silk, cleaning himself and his nephew before he folds it gently. He'll have to have it cleaned and returned, but that is a thought for another moment - for now, he lifts himself up, climbing to his feet one-handed, Jin Ling cuddling into his shoulder as he's used to doing.
"I think Jin Ling would enjoy a walk." As would he, if he is to be frank. His legs are beginning to hurt and his eyes are a little uncomfortable from reading for so long. Letting his arm tighten around his nephew, he hesitates, waiting for Lan Xichen to lead the way. He's been to Cloud Recesses before, of course, and is well aware of the rules and regulations that the Lan follow - and he must follow the same while he is a guest here, no matter what.
It's the kind of thing he is not looking forward to educating his already spoilt nephew in.
"... The rabbits are still there?" His voice is quiet as he asks. He's not entirely sure if he was meant to find the rabbits, that one time with Wei Wuxian and his sister, but it strikes a chord in his heart all the same. Yanli hadn't wanted to separate them for fear of the family being upset, and now he will return, alone and isolated. That's enough to make him feel a twist of uncomfortable nausea. "I remember them from when I came before."
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A-Yuan, thankfully, is a well-behaved and easy child in comparison to some. He throws his tantrums still, cries for Xichen often and sees him as his father more than the man who has claimed him as his child, but he is easy to coax from sleep and happy to spend an afternoon on the back hill. His only fuss, a small request, is that they stop by the kitchens to get carrots for the rabbits so he can show A-Ling how to feed them.
Xichen takes his nephews hand when the boy reaches for it, after straightening his robes quietly and wiping the sleep from his eyes with another cloth pulled from his sleeves. He glances back at Jiang Wanyin to see how he's fared with his own ward. His brows draw together at the mention of the rabbits, then rise upward toward the Heavens. "Ah..."
That is a delicate matter after all, but if Jiang Wanyin is aware then there is no reason to hide it. "Pets are not allowed in the Cloud Recess but the rabbits have made the back hill their home in recent years. It would be cruel to displace them now."
"Baba's rabbits," A-Yuan helpfully provides, swinging Xichen's hand between them and tugging lightly toward the door. "Yuan-er can show A-Ling, Sect Leader Jiang?" He looks first at Uncle and then Sect Leader Jiang, whose title he has tried to pronounce because that is what Uncle has said is proper.
If he were one to grow flustered in the company of others, Xichen would. He feels his cheeks heat slightly, lets out a soft huff of a laugh. "And there is that," he admits, bashful as he leads them from the Library Pavilion before they make the journey through the winding paths toward their first stop to gather vegetables the rabbits. "Feeding them has become a task for the young disciples."
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For now Jin Ling seems happy enough to cuddle into his uncle and not make a fuss, one finger hovering near his mouth as if he might start to suck on it. A terrible habit, but not one that Jiang Cheng has the heart to try and deal with right now, not when his little one is still so young. There are more important lessons for him to learn, especially when his youth will be taken so quickly by training and preparation to become the next leader of his clan.
The smile that settles on his face is fond enough, though, as Lan Xichen continues. Of course pets are not allowed, that is one of the rules, but who could remove the rabbits from the hillsides? Who could separate them from one another? Breaking a family is a cruelty no one could bear, surely - and he would know; he has seen it happen in practice, more often than just the once. It still stains his heart even today.
"The rabbits are not within the control of Gusu, of course. They are wild creatures." The smile that prickles on his face is enough to show just what he thinks of that notion; they're pets, or as close to pets as the Grandmaster might allow his nephews and the clan members to have without completely breaking the rules. There are worse crimes in the eyes of the Lan, after all, and rabbits are sure to be the least of their concerns in this new world they're venturing into.
Seeing Lan Xichen with Lan Yuan, seeing the two of them... It makes his chest feel tight and warm all at once, makes him feel overwhelmed, and he has to turn his head away to gather himself. He can feel the burn of the petals, the boil in his blood, and he has to force himself to stay calm, to not let himself completely fall apart - because if he does then Xichen will know the truth, will learn just how he feels, and that will destroy the friendship that he has come to cherish so desperately.
He is desperately afraid that if Xichen finds out...
"Won't that be nice, a-Ling?" Jiang Cheng smiles, letting himself press a soft kiss to the side of his nephew's face. "Young Master Lan can show you the rabbits. The two of you can learn to take care of them, perhaps, so that when you're older and grown up you can take care of something of your own." Perhaps a dog, or something like that. A dog would suit the growing Jin Ling just fine.
Stepping closer, he lets himself embrace the moment, lets himself have warmth, to pretend that he can find some kind of joy in this.
"It is a task that a-Ling must learn, too. He will be trained at Gusu one day as well."
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Lan Xichen knows his heart, that is not the problem at hand.
"It is only fair then, that Young Master Jin learns and has the same advantage A-Yuan will have," Xichen says with a hint of teasing, looking fondly form his own nephew, to the toddler in Jiang Wanyin's hold before settling on the younger man. "Cloud Recess will be happy to have him as a student, when the time comes."
It would be improper not to extend an invitation to the Jin heir, but Xichen is extending it to Jiang Wanyin's nephew personally none-the-less.
On the quick stop to the kitchens, Xichen acquires a small basket which he fills with vegetables that Lan Yuan chooses. The boy shows each one to Jin Rulan, as if the toddler's approval is needed for each. Once that task is complete, Xichen leads them toward the pasture on the back hill. The meadow is empty, quiet and warmed by the afternoon Sun. The rabbits, which have been hiding, approach slowly as they realized that someone has come to feed them. They are not as bold as they would be if it were just Xichen and his nephew, nor as bold if their favorite human was with them, but they know what the basket means.
Xichen sets down the basket in the shade of one of the tall trees, gracefully settles down on the grass and glances up at Jiang Wanyin so he can gesture for him to join him. "I am afraid while A-Yuan can handle most of the hard work, we are not free of our duties as his assistants."
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Jiang Cheng lets himself bend down and place his nephew on the ground; as sure as he is that he could watch him like a hawk the entire time, he is equally confident that both Xichen and Lan Yuan would take just as much care to watch over him and make sure he did not trip or stumble. It's safe enough here, deep in Gusu, and Jiang Cheng can let himself breathe for a moment.
It would be easy to imagine that they are a family here, that he and Xichen are taking care of their children, that this is a path they had chosen to walk together, and even the idea of it makes him feel as though he might lose his lunch to flowers. He has to close his eyes and breathe, settling his hands over his waist to stop himself from lurching even a little. Romantic notions will kill him, he knows this, but he cannot stop the way his mind wanders away from him.
"He will be happy to come, I think. Lanling is dedicated in its care for him but there are little in terms of children close to his age. It will do him good to spend some time with his peers." He had grown up with siblings, after all, but Jin Ling will never have a little brother or little sister to tease and protect. He will have nothing but hurt and echoes and uncles guarding his step.
Stepping around the excited child wiggling forward to look at the rabbits, Jiang Cheng allows himself to pause and move over to Xichen, to settle down and take a seat, letting his robes fold around him. This is comfortable - he does not have to be Sect Leader Jiang here. He can simply be himself, simply be Jiang Cheng. Even if Xichen does not call him by name he cannot complain - that may well be a blessing.
"How often do you come here with him?"
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"Having children one's own age to interact with is important. A-Yuan is his senior, but I am glad they have taken to each other," Xichen says softly, brows creased slightly as he watches as A-Yuan tries to explain to Jin Ling how to feed the rabbits. The toddler seems awed, excited, but the rabbits are luckily not so wary after time spent with with both the younger disciples and A-Yuan in his younger days.
Lan Xichen is glad, that if he had no other reason, he could use the friendship of his nephew and Jiang Wanyin's to spend more time with the other man. He is evermore grateful that it does not need to come to that; that they have formed a friendship of their own that binds them beyond duty as sect leaders and caretakers.
He watches Jiang Wanyin as he settles down, lets his eyes rake over his profile for a moment and wonders if they could do this again. If enjoying afternoons together, not bound by work or it's shadow, is in the future for them. A part of him too large to voice wishes it was so. "Hm?" he misses the question, nearly, and then recovers.
"Ah-- Well. It is a trusted secret, I am afraid," he pauses then, "but as often as duty allows." The smile he wears is tinted with a glint of mischief, easy to miss. "It helps him settle and he has yet to attend classes or spend much time with his peers." It is a complicated thing, his nephew's care. Lan Yuan's father is far from well enough to take him, the caretakers who watch him while his uncle works do not indulge this habit and it is not like the Grandmaster would take his grand-nephew to see rabbits he chooses to pretend do not exists.
Often, duty does not allow, but Xichen is happy to compensate for time spent in the bunny pasture or teaching lessons that will help Yuan when he joins the junior disciples by staying up and working well past the appropriate time. The rules may discourage it but Xichen has long stopped seeing the world in shades of black and white, understands that the extra handstands, the tiredness that weighs him down through his days, is worth it. ""It also helps him remember his father."
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Settling down, Jiang Cheng lets himself stare at the children as they look at the rabbits, Jin Ling's eyes wide and awed as the animals hop around. He remembers his own sense of awe and joy when he had first been given his dogs, first been allowed the puppies to raise as his own. It seemed more like another lifetime, now, an eternity ago, before Wei Wuxian came into his life. Even now there are no dogs hanging around the steps of Lotus Pier, and no Jiang disciples are permitted to own one.
Some promises cannot be broken.
Lifting a hand to touch at his chest, rubbing at the awkward, tense feeling that settles there, he breathes out and forces himself to calm down and relax. There is nothing he can do other than to breathe, to try and remain calm despite the warm, heady comfort of having Lan Xichen sitting at his side. It feels terrifyingly domestic, as if they are a family together rather than two uncles with their nephews, watching them with a sad fondness as they think of the departed.
"I do not have much to help Jin Ling know his mother," Jiang Cheng admits, voice low and quiet. He leaves the matter of Jin Zixuan to Jin Guangyao, but Yanli is his and his alone. He can still feel the weight of her in his arms at times. "I have tried to remake the soup she always made me and -" and Wei Wuxian, words that he can't quite manage to say "- but I've never been able to get it right. Perhaps by the time he's an adult I'll have mastered it for him."
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"Few children his age in Koi Tower?" he asks, glancing at his companion after a moment of thought. He cannot say he remembers many, truthfully. It seems like their generation is not so blessed with the sound of children's laughter.
Xichen has the sound of his nephew to fill the silence, but children of his own -- that is a thread of thought he does not wish to tug. Not in the current moment, when his heart flutters so at the comfortable air around him and Jiang Wanyin as they watch their nephews play in the grass. "I am sure between you and A-Yao, he will not see himself as too superior."
His sworn brother, after all, understands what it is like to be looked down on by others. Between him and Jiang Wanyin, he cannot see either raising a child overcome with a sense that he is above all.
"What soup would she make for you?" Xichen asks, asking this instead of the question that sits on the tip of his tongue. It is really an invitation for the other to tell him more of his sister or to keep to the safe topic of soup.
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Those are thoughts for moments in isolation and nowhere else.
"I think things have been difficult for them," he finally admits, letting his eyes gaze over at his nephew. "I don't ask about it because it is not my business. I only go there to pick up a-Ling and deliver him back to his uncle when it is time for him to be at Koi Tower. I'm not going to ask them about other children for him, not when he can come here or visit Lotus Pier where we have a few."
Not many, but a few. Yunmeng is rebuilding, has been rebuilding, and Jiang Cheng hopes it will flourish with the same kind of happiness and joy there had been when his parents had lived. He can remember the joy of the children when he and Wei Wuxian had come to watch them train, their pride and glee when they received even a single word of praise. It had been enough for him, once.
Lost in his thoughts, he barely hears what Xichen says, which is embarrassment enough. He should pay more attention, commit every single moment to memory, not lose even a second of it. The idea that he might forget any of this one day, with death creeping closer by the second, seemed like an eternal folly.
"We can try, but he is still a Jin and the Peacock's son. Some things must be passed from father to son." He means it as a joke, even as he knows the truth. How can a-Ling be like a father he will never get to meet?
Leaning back on his palms, he sighs, looking pensive and sad, admitting his own sadness to himself even as his voice betrays the melancholy that thinking of his sister brings.
"Lotus and rib soup. She would always make it when one of us was upset or if there was someone who needed cheering. She even brought it to the Burial Mounds, to make sure that Wei Wuxian knew he could come to the wedding. That he could name her son." His face twists, just a little. "Jin Rulan. He chose that." Jin Ling perks up at the sound of his name but, seeing no motion to move, focuses again on the bunnies.
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A-Yao has voiced his concerns in his own way.
He settles on something that rings truer instead, an offer that has stood long in his thoughts but he has not yet voiced. "Jin Ling is always welcome here, A-Yuan greatly enjoys his company and I am sure he will easily make more friends here as he grows. If you feel it would benefit him to visit in the future, the gates of Cloud Recess will always be opened."
There is no need to ask.
You are always welcome.
I would love if you were always close.
The thoughts are bold and with them, his chest constricts. Lan Xichen lifts a sleeve, coughing behind it with the hopes that he can keep the flowers blooming at bay. It passes without a fit, though a moment later it threatens to overwhelm him again as he watches Jiang Wanyin lean back and speak again.
This time his heart aches in a different way, longing to soothe.
"Your sister was very kind," he says softly, brows furrowed as he thinks of Jiang Yanli. "A meal made by someone or shared with someone we love often tastes better, I've found. The tanghulu Wangji and I were able to bring back to Cloud Recess to share with our mother. Even if it is not the same as your sisters, I am sure Jin Ling will enjoy the soup you will make him."
"Ah. I had not known that Wei Wuxian had chosen it." The 'lan' seems more poignant suddenly and Xichen wonders what Wangji will think when he leaves seclusion, if he'd known.
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Whenever he thinks of her he feels himself slipping back into something he had been before, the child that he had been forced to abandon when the Sunshot Campaign had happened. He sits up a little straighter, back seeming like someone had placed a plank down his robes, his arms settling back into his lap. There's no time for idle relaxation when he's trying to emulate the person his sister had always thought him to be, especially when Jin Ling glances back at the sadness in his voice and the way he moves, anxious and uncertain all at once.
His eyes glance over to Xichen when he coughs and he feels his own throat feel a little tight. He wants to lean over and comfort him but doesn't dare - he can't put himself nor the other man in that position. It feels too cruel.
Still, he nods his head, looking at his nephew with a kind of softness no one else would ever hope to see.
"I have tried to make it, but I'm too..." He shakes his head. Cooking has never been his strong suit, not with his anger and his hurt and his regrets. Maybe that comes across in the meal, or perhaps he simply puts so much lotus into it that the bitterness comes from the imbalance of the flavours. He can't be sure what he does wrong.
"We went to the Mounds together because she wanted to show him her wedding dress." He shakes his head, trying to not let his hurt and anger seep into his words. "So she made soup and we travelled together and she had him pick the name. She never forgot about him, no matter what things he did." Terrible or good, in her eyes Wei Wuxian was perfect, or as near to it as anyone. It was the same as his father.
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It returns, though he's not sure if it's still a weight or if the man has realised he's bared something he did not want to be seen. They are friends, of course, but there is still such a thing as too much vulnerability between even the closest of friends.
It's that similar softness, the dulling of Jiang Wanyin's edges that makes Xichen's heart ache again. Sandu Shengshou is not known for much except for his anger, though Xichen feels the whole of the cultivation world are fools for not seeing of the tenderness he is capable of showing his nephew. The pain rattling his ribcage is worth the sight before him, rare as the glimpse is. "There is strength in offering kindness when faced with an inevitable outcome. The fact she was able to do so, shows your sister lived true to your Sect's ideals. As do you."
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It makes him grind his teeth together, lifting a hand to rub at his throat absently. Maybe he'll die soon anyway. Maybe a-Ling would be able to stay here, though; maybe Xichen would take care of him alongside the little Sizhui. They'd make good sworn brothers.
Rubbing a hand over his face, he breathes out gently.
"Achieve the impossible." His expression sours and he shakes his head. "Lan Xichen, your kindness is appreciated, but I'm not the one who met the expectations of Yunmeng. I have yet to achieve any kind of impossibility." Yanli married the Peacock, married well, had a perfect child. Wei Wuxian was... Well, Wei Wuxian. What was Jiang Cheng in comparison to that? "But thank you all the same."
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He does not bring up Wei Wuxian, though he knows that is who his companion is referring too. That is a man he will not argue for, not after what he'd done to his family, to the cultivation world, and to Wangji. Xichen bears no warmth for the former Yiling Patriarch now, but he had also reached out with words of caution once and been proven wrong.
He frowns as Jiang Wanyin's expression sours, feels a pang of panic in his chest as he realizes he's caused offense. It melts into confusion as the man speaks, which he cannot keep from showing on his face. "It is not merely kindness, Wanyin, and on this matter I must disagree. What you've achieved as you rebuild your home and Sect, as you raise your nephew.. is that not something?"
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He stares at Jin Ling and wishes, desperately, that he could do something to bring his mother and father back. He would give up his own life to do it, and there's no hesitation there. Slowly, his gaze flicks back over to Lan Xichen and he breathes out gently, letting some of the softness colour his face. He would give up this friendship, the depth of his love and deep affection, for the hope of Jin Ling's joy.
Covering his mouth, he tries to hide the sudden push of flowers and thorns in his throat.
"I'm not the only one who has done that, though, am I?" He looks at Xichen, swallowing the white-blue petals. "I know what the Wen Sect did to Gusu. Yunmeng was not the only ones who suffered and have rebuilt since then. I can't lay claim to something that isn't mine alone."
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The man recovers but Xichen still feels worry; knows the pain he suffers though he has not revealed his own.
The worry remains but melts into something else when Jiang Wanyin speaks, explains himself and makes Xichen's heart ache even more. He feels nauseous with, like he cannot breath. He forces himself to take a deep breath again, shakes his head. "You are right, that Gusu also suffered at the hands of the Wen and we have also rebuilt. But that rebuilding was eased by how much was saved, by support from Lanling and Qinghe that I am forever grateful for."
He knows that Lanling only offered their support because of Meng Yao, but he doubts the man would have attempted to sway his father to support Yunmeng even if Wanyin had asked.
"Even as I raise my nephew, it is with the help of many, including a man who I know has barely enough time for himself and has achieved what I am struggling to do with many standing ready to aid me all on his own.
The feat is not diminished because you're not the only that's walked the path, and as someone who has been on this journey beside you, I am awed at what you've accomplished all the same."
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It's a conversation he simply cannot let himself have, knowing the rejection could quite literally kill him.
Instead, he waves off the concern, forcing his hands back down to his lap, letting his eyes drink in the children. It's comfortable, seeing his a-Ling play around with other children his age. Maybe he should take him out of Lotus Pier more often, away from the peering gazes of Guangyao's spies and the weight of knowing too much about how painful his future will be.
"I'm fine," he shakes his head. "And I don't need your compliments, I assure you. I know what Yunmeng has achieved." Bowing his head, he forces himself to swallow back the pain in his throat, the way he can taste the metallic echo of blood on his tongue. He's not sure how much longer he can do this, how much longer he can survive before his lungs cannot draw in air.
Jiang Cheng closes his eyes and allows himself to be painfully honest.
"I do not think I have much longer, Zewu-jun."
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That it is not his place to do anything to help him, not in the way he wishes that he could.
"It is what you have achieved, Wanyin," he says soft but firm, meaning it. He will not back down on that, even if it something that the younger man will fight him on. He is learning, slowly, that Jiang Wanyin sees his accomplishments as not his own -- not as accomplishments but expectations. It hurts to see it, but it also awes Xichen in a way. This is a man who has overcome so much, who has accomplished it and has not lost himself to pride and hubris. There is much to be admired in that.
His throat burns when the younger looks up, when his voice sounds so torn and raw. "We will find the answer. I will not let anything happen," he says with the same firmness, speaking the words before he realizes he's let them slip out but knowing that they are true.
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That he'll get it.
Letting his hands drop down to his lap, Jiang Cheng pushes himself a little to find his voice. It hurts, throat scratchy and sore, but he musters himself. What happens next is incredibly important and he can't stop himself from saying words that break his heart to muster.
"When I die," Jiang Cheng speaks, voice almost shaky, "you must take care of a-Ling. I know that Jin Guangyao will make sure he is raised well, that he has everything that he wants, but there are some things that man can't do for him. I want him to have good friends, I want him to be happy. If I am gone then I do not know what will happen to him."
Hearing his name, a-Ling lifts his head up, giggling a little as his uncle waves his hand.
"And you must make sure he gets Zidian in the future."
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"Wanyin--" he starts and stops, coughs and manages to swallow down this new pain. It had not been so overwhelming before, this affliction that he does not understand and cannot fathom. "Jin Ling will always have a place at Cloud Recess and be welcomed here. It's doors are always open to him and to you, whenever you need or like. I will do everything in my power to ensure he is happy, that he does not feel alone and that Cloud Recess can be a home to him." Even if something happens to Lan Xichen, he'll make arrangements to ensure it. It will be difficult, he knows, given that the boy is heir to another clan but in this moment logic means very little. "But-- while I promise this, I must ask that you not plan for this to become an inevitability so soon."
Please.
The thought of it, the reality, that makes Lan Xichen feel sicker than the thorns growing so rapidly.
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Jiang Cheng lifts his hand and touches his neck, feeling the ache there, the pain, surprised it hasn't burst out into bruises. He's shocked no one else could tell what was happening to him, that the flowers in his throat are enough to burn through him and explode out from under his skin. How could anyone understand what is happening to him and not expect death to be the next logical outcome?
It's not as if the cure would be something easy for him to accomplish.
"But thank you for your promise. It soothes me a great deal to know my child - my nephew will be cared for." He'll also have to ensure that Yunmeng has a proper heir, that they're trained and taught as best as he can manage in the time he has left, but he has a few months for that, at least.
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"You must forgive my boldness, but I cannot allow something to happen to you if there is a chance I am able to prevent it." It is desperation speaking then, causing his voice to tremble.
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It hurts. Everything about this hurts.
"I would welcome it if there were something, Zewu-jun, but I am afraid we are out of options. I can feel it."
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This feels different.
"We have not tried all versions of Clarity to ease this," he offers, desperate still. It is that desperation the distracts him from his own discomfort, from the tightness in his throat. He is coughing up bloodied petals before he realizes it and it is reflex that lifts his hand to cover his mouth, to catch the bloodied mass to stop it from joining the droplets of blood that stain the ground between them and the white silk of his robes.
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Jiang Cheng sits up a little, the sharpness of his tone attracting the attention of his nephew and playmate. He forces himself to breathe, offering them a wave to calm them down, before he speaks again, voice just as terse but a little hushed.
Just to be safe.
"Why can't you let me accept my death with grace?"
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