[ Xichen only fully lets go when Wanyin is steady on his feet, but then his arms drop, helplessly, and he mostly manages to not turn the next exhale into a sigh.
Instead, he forces himself to consider for a moment, to put himself in Wanyin's place, and try to discern what he may need - aside from what cannot be returned to him - so he can attempt making things better, rather than aggravate the situation.
He knows ... the kind of way Wanyin and Wei Wuxian used to be, and Jiang Yanli, too, even. Vivacious, bantering, a little too loud, a little too brash for their current surroundings. And Wanyin, who has sacrificed himself for the sake of his clan, must feel extremely isolated and homesick, surrounded by deceptive softness and the absence of the heat that means all is well, for him.
But even under the best of circumstances, the most that comes naturally to Xichen is gentle teasing, and that only when he knows it won't hurt the other person. He cannot reassure his husband as the man needs to be reassured. Yet...
He has stayed awake tonight because he knows that further silence will not mend anything. He can't give Wanyin what Wanyin needs, but he can still try to give him something more than what he has been receiving here. He can try directness. That should be better than evasion, would it not?
Instead of soft, almost forlorn, his question, as he bends to assist the other man, holds the slightest edge. Not of anger, but of... traction, he hopes. Of wishing to meet him halfway, rather than resign himself and leave his husband... alone. ]
[ When they had been debating who he ought to marry, Jiang Cheng had not thought too deeply about his own happiness - he’d concerned himself more with what would be the best benefit for his sister and martial brother, what would help Yunmeng recover from the disaster of the Wen and return to their position as a proper gentry sect. He hadn’t dwelled on his own preferences, or lack of, not in this.
It couldn’t be a Jin, that would defeat the point. Nie Mingjue, for all that he is strong and honourable, was too warmongering and he and been concerned about the aid he might have offered. His brother was too close a friend and wouldn’t bring the right diplomacy. Then there were the Lan - honourable and kind, willing to aid, to negotiate, to work with them. He could’ve gone for a smaller sect, but for his own to grow their prestige again… he would never have asked for Lab Wangji, not with how his brother’s eyes gazed on him, and so…
And so, somehow, he’d stuck his neck out for the first jade, the most handsome and talented man of their generation, and he had agreed. An investment for the future, once a-jie returned the Jiang to glory, and a decent man to wed himself to who wouldn’t be cruel or harsh. Someone who might understand the bitterness that Jiang Cheng feels more often than not, who wouldn’t push him too far or too cruelly.
He never expected sweetness or softness. They were not a love match. They were not borne for tenderness, and he was never the kind of man to be able to master it either. But now…
When he looks at Lan Xichen, his husband, bound to each other in this life, he cannot help but feel a pang of something in his heart. It would be too terribly easy to love him, wouldn’t it?
Lifting his gaze from the table, feeling ashamed and somehow scolded despite the softness of the question, he hesitates. He doesn’t know what to do here, now to navigate such a personal and intimate relationship when the only reference he has are two parents who argued as bitterly and angrily as they loved. He’s too much like his mother, he knows it, and so he’s barricaded his complaints and uncertainties so as not to upset their balance.
Eventually, he breathes out a soft, sad little sound. ]
… I know you didn’t want this marriage, that you were - helping us. I don’t want to impose on your life more than I already have, isn’t that fair? You’ve done so much, done enough, and I…
[ Barely a scrap of time into their marriage and he has already fumbled, already failed. ]
Edited 2025-04-02 13:17 (UTC)
they be like that. not nearly as obvious as others, but take your breath away
Perhaps this is not the marriage he had envisioned, if nothing else for the fact it was necessitated out Wanyin's need and dependence. But it was certainly not something he had personal objections to, and seeing his husband, who is clearly in emotional pain that he has no way to let out, suffer so? Does not sit well with him at all. Whether... there will be love, Xichen cannot say and, given his father's history, he is not certain it should be, even if his heart aches at putting distance between them. But pain, he cannot but attempt to heal. It is the way he is. ]
Have I given you cause to know that I did not want the marriage?
[ He lets the question linger, before clarifying. ]
Because I can assure you, if I had not wanted it, it would not have happened. There would be other ways to ensure the help for your clan.
[ Xichen is aware that he is ... mild, and even sometimes easy to push into certain conclusions and decisions, when he is not certain of his way. But there ever have been limits to it, and this - committing his life to spend by someone else's side, as spouses - is one of them. ]
[ His immediate instinct is to be biting, to be harsh, and he rounds on Lan Xichen as if he's ready to snap at him, more akin to a wild animal than any real person, but he stops himself. He forced himself to breathe in, and breathe out, to try and smother the natural inclination to argue and defend himself that he was raised with so harshly.
Xichen is so calm, so at peace, that it makes Jiang Cheng want to tear his own hair out. He is doing all he can to be the best of spouses, but in doing so he has become the worst of them. He's well aware that Lan are said to love only once in their lifetime, and he has stolen that from Xichen in their marriage of convenience. He should try, he tells himself, to be sweeter and softer, to be a proper spouse, to be a proper Lan-gongfu.
And yet. ]
Agreement does not mean contentment! I've seen that enough to know better.
[ Bowing his head, he grits his teeth, forcing himself to breathe in and breathe out. ]
I am not the partner you would have chosen. Should I not be sorry about it?
[ A flutter of Xichen's eyelashes, a lowering of his eyes, are the only signs how much the last words hit home, if, perhaps, not for the reason that Wanyin might think.
Lan Xichen would never have allowed himself to choose. That his brother did was going to be enough.
But, in the way that Wanyin means it... ]
I... suppose as your own choice was taken away from you by necessity, and you considered me the best option for your sect, regardless of personal feelings, it would stand to reason that it would seem so. But, before things went... into necessity. Could either of us have considered the other a possible choice?
[ A moment, and Xichen shakes his head. ]
Please, forgive me. To answer your question, I hold you to nothing that you need be sorry for.
What I do know is that we are wedded, and you are all alone, after every single thing in your life has been overturned, and - you are a person, too. You have made every effort to abide by our rules. And I have been remiss in seeing to your needs, as well.
[ Formality slips as Jiang Cheng lifts his head, dazed by the implication that someone like Xichen might in some way not be good enough. He is the intruder here, slipping into this place as if he has any right to it, a coreless nobody with barely a scrap of a sect to his name. The entire cultivation world knows that the Lan Sect had done a great favour to the Jiang by marrying him, not just for the alliance, but because of the famed temper of Jiang Wanyin himself.
He is no great beauty, nor mind, and he has no skill behind him now. He was not a good prospect. Even before the loss of his core, he was only fifth, with so many betters above him.
Unguarded, now, with his frustration like wildfire, blazing through him.
Coreless, scarred, bitter and broken, all Jiang Cheng can do is snap, harsh and cruel. ]
Are you a fool, now? What needs do you need to see to, when it comes to me? I have a room, and I am cared for, and your disciples are polite. I can teach them sword forms, even if I cannot do anything else. I have my family safe, and I am in your debt for it. You owe me nothing!
[ Taking a step back, alarmed by his own outburst, he shakes his head, bending to tidy things again. ]
[ There is only the faintest hint of a smile, he knows better than to even appear to mock the first flash of how Jiang Wanyin is he has seen in a very long time, but he is relieved, for that small amount of trust, even with the immediate alarm after it.
A soft breath out. Then his words return to the question asked. ]
The needs that leave your eyes hollow and your step uncertain. The needs, unmet, that leave you seeking to erase yourself--
[ Xichen trails off, helplessly, as memory brings to him another figure, married into Lan out of necessity, imprisoned, nigh completely erased from the mind of nearly all others. He blinks again, averting his eyes for a moment to try to conceal the emotion that blazes in them, his calm broken unexpectedly, thoroughly. Honesty spills out through the cracks, low and quiet and raw. ]
I... do not wish to see you suffering more than you already are.
[ Jiang Cheng doesn’t understand, can’t wrap his mind around the idea that someone would want his harsher and more snippy side, so can’t parse what Xichen is saying to him. Instead, he scowls, pushing the table back into place. Is this an argument? Is he arguing with his husband? Well, it doesn’t matter, they’re not able to escape one another now.
They’ve made proper bows. There’s no changing anything. ]
Cotton in your ears! I’m not suffering.
[ He doesn’t know enough of Xichen’s parents and heritage to understand where the concern comes from, where the aches and hurts arise. He doesn’t know anything other than Xichen being good, kind and wise. The pain of his past is an unknown story. ]
Is it so bad a thing for me to want to be good for you? To make this easier, in all the ways I can?
[ Of course he struggles to believe it, even coming from someone as righteous as Xichen himself. Jiang Cheng has never been favoured, never been the first chosen or best loved. Why would that be different just because he’s married? Gusu must come first, and then brother and uncle, too. He can mark himself somewhere after that.
Resisting the urge to say any more on it, he tucks his sleeves aside and makes himself comfortable, kneeling beside the now fixed and handsome table. It’s where he has been sitting for most evenings, before slipping away and off to his own sad bed. ]
I’ll indulge you. Do you want me to make tea?
[ Even if he didn’t want to listen to Xichen speak more, he’d still have stayed.
Mm. If you wish. Or, you could warm yourself some of this, if you would rather.
[ An white jar gets settle on the table with a soft sound. ]
You may be curious to know that the rule forbidding drinking in the Cloud Recesses... is not because drink - in moderation - is evil. We simply have very, very low tolerance for it. An issue that Wanyin is unlikely to have to contend to.
[ The tea is, of course, still an option, but not the only option.
Xichen's self-deprecating smile fades, as memories flit through his mind. ]
The story I wish to tell you may not be easy to hear. But it might help you understand a little better why, while I could not tell you that you are mistaken that I would not have chosen you... it is not because I would not want you, but because I would not have chosen anyone, if I could help it.
[ Jiang Cheng already had his mouth open to comment on the 'do not drink' rule, but his husband beats him to it. He reaches out to take the jar, holding it awkwardly for a moment and wondering, absently, what Lan Xichen might be like with a little alcohol in him.
The thought strikes him as rude, somehow, so he says nothing of it and swallows it all away instead. ]
I grew up with Wei Wuxian. It would be dangerous if I couldn't handle my drink.
[ Still, he goes for the tea first, perhaps in deference to his husband's inability to drink without embarrassing himself. Settling, he frowns a little, leaning forward just-so. ]
You're not required to tell me anything. You know that.
[ He will not yet say the part that when you find your one person, you no longer need me bound by he rules. Because... ]
I do know I'm not required, Wanyin. I am telling you of my own accord, because I think it will be good for you to know, and because it may help you understand some things about me, and about us.
Or it might not.
[ Xichen does need a fortifying sip of tea before actually beginning, however. ]
My mother was from Caiyi town, and that is where my father met her, on his return item a night hunt. For him. She was that only one. But, to her, he was not. I knew not exactly what happened, but she ended up hurting - killing - some of his teachers. She would have been executed, were it not for my father, the sect leader, marrying her and thus granting her protection.
She was a prisoner. To atone for what he had done, my father was almost constantly in seclusion, forcing my uncle to take care of the sect until the day I succeeded as sect leader.
[ And yet, for all his wife was not into him, he sired two children with her. The implications are not brought to attention, but they still weigh heavy on Xichen's mind. ]
Back then, I promised myself I would not become my father. To make sure of that, I have disallowed myself from looking for that special person.
[ Slowly, he unclenches his tight hold around the teacup lest it shatters. ]
You see, you do not stand in the way of my happiness, for that path, I have locked away for myself long ago.
But you are here, and we are wedded, and we may yet find happiness, or at least contentment. Or we can remain strangers and not try for it.
I will not press either on you. But I need you to know that both paths are open to you.
[ The story comes slowly, carefully, and it takes Jiang Cheng a moment to swallow it all down and understand it all.
There had been stories about the former Lan Sect Leader, of course, but he'd never paid too much attention to them, more focussed on his own messy family life to worry overmuch about someone else's. For as long as Jiang Cheng had cared to pay attention to Gusu Lan, Xichen had been the one in charge and directing things, so learning about the previous sect leader and his wife wasn't important at all.
He realises, now, that might have been intentional; burying the story somewhat to make it more difficult for people to see the darker side of what might have taken place in the Cloud Recesses, especially with the implication of a lack of love between mother and father. For all that Jiang Cheng's parents had been at each other's throats constantly, he was sure there was some love between them, at least.
(Or, was it more like Lan than he thought? His mother certainly loved his father, but in return, did he...? Better not to think too much about that).
It makes sense, then, why Lan Xichen would accept this marriage. With no desire to find his other half, his special someone, arranging a wedding for the sake of a decent alliane was a good option. It was not for any particular liking of Jiang Cheng, or any real thought that this marriage might be better than any other, but because he had given up on the kind of love that other people were able to enjoy.
It shouldn't sting as much as it does, but Jiang Cheng came into this marriage knowing he was a poor prize, that he was not worth that much, not until a-Jie recovered his sect. He would never be able to be anyone's special person, and he couldn't be that to Lan Xichen. It's a bitter pill to accept, even as he swallows another long drink of his tea.
This truly was a kindness on the behalf of the Lan Sect Leader, and Jiang Cheng understands it for what it is - just as he recognises his role for what it has to be.
Unfortuntely, Jiang Cheng also doesn't know how to stop his mouth. ]
That was stupid of you. You're not like your father, and you deserved a chance to find someone to love you properly. For being so smart, Lan Xichen, you're also an idiot.
[ Eyes widening, he ducks behind his teacup. ]
... Well. Either way, the choice has been made now. I'm not planning on being a bad husband, no matter what your reasons are, even if I can't cultivate. I can be useful in other ways.
[ Xichen is. Blinking, slowly, at the outburst. The response doesn't add up, not quite. ]
Wanyin, that I've stopped myself from trying to find the one I would choose does not mean that I'd not be loved. Nor finding the one I do would mean that they would love me in return.
And whether or not you can cultivate will make no difference if I were to allow myself to look and find that he person is you, anyway.
[ slow, and careful , and inexorable. Chew on that, husband of his. ]
[ It comes out easily - perhaps too easily, a betrayal of Jiang Cheng's own private thoughts - before he takes another long drink of his tea. If he's going to keep putting his foot in his mouth, he might need to swap to the alcohol before their evening is over.
Feeling a sudden flush of embarrassment, he glances away, unable to look Xichen in the eyes. To hear it said so boldly... It hits him, and makes him shift awkwardly where he's sat. ]
There are better places to look for that kind of thing. [ But they're already married. He doesn't imagine that Xichen is the kind to stray from a marriage, no matter how political, but... He bites the inside of his cheek before he breathes out. ] You don't have to sugarcoat it for me.
[ Xichen's breath hitches, at the ease with which that response comes. He knows that many would imply the same, whether for flattery or kind estimation, but Wanyin belongs to neither group. And his statement makes his heart flutter with something that he doesn't quite recognize as hope, as he's held so very little of it for himself, but undeniable all the same. ]
I do not lie. And I disagree that there are better places, better people, to look for it than you.
[ Slowly, letting Wanyin reject it if he wishes, he reaches to him to place a hand on his shoulder and squeeze it gently. ]
Misfortunes that befell you have not dimmed the bright fire of your heart, the depths of your loyalty, or, when need calls for it, the clarity of your sight.
There are many reasons for my agreement to this union. Pity had nothing to do with them.
[ It's not necessarily because Xichen is one of the twin jades or the most eligible bachelor that Jiang Cheng thinks so highly of him. They've fought together, he's respected him for his wisdom and intelligence, for his kindness, for the dedication he has to others. It's all things that he thinks he himself lacks, given everything and all the things that he is. ]
Ah.
[ He glances away, embarrassed, cheeks too red. ]
I didn't think it was. I made you a good deal, that's all.
[ Looking at the hand touching him, he swallows. ]
I have no doubt that you will, but it may be more productive if we work a little on what you can be doing your best towards.
I, for one, do not wish you to be doing your best towards becoming someone you're not, only because you think - mistakenly - that the nonexistent person is what my sect, or I, need.
You forget, Zewu-jun, that I was raised to be a Sect Leader as well. I know what a good sect needs in their master's spouse.
[ Not exactly what his mother had been, but something similar. She had done her best and had been a good leader when needed, but he understands she had been bitter and cool, too. He can't deny that.
Jiang Cheng doesn't want to be as miserable as he thinks his mother was, but he also refuses to not be useful. To not be something good for his new sect.
That, at least, he can achieve. ]
I'll do whatever is needed of me, and be glad for it.
[ Xichen's flinch at the use of his title still is very small, but real. He withdaws his hand much more gracefully.
Though he doesn't withdraw his gaze. ]
Do you think they need an example who is trying to eradicate his personality, then, who is trying to become someone he is not, because he thinks - incorrectly, as it happens - that it is the only way?
Consider, for example, the way the disciples of Gusu Lan sect, who are bound by the same rules. But the way that Wangji follows them differs from the way that my uncle follows them, and both of them differ from the way that I do.
There are many ways to achieve the same goal. And, as someone who is your husband and as someone who cares for you, I do not want you to twist yourself until everything you do hurts, and that pain is very difficult to fix.
Today, it may be restlessness, tiredness, feeling that you do not suffice. Tomorrow, it may hurt you more.
And I wish you to be happy, even if neither of us knows what that is, right now.
[ It's impossible not to blink at the man in front of him, to try and listen to his words and take them on board. It's rare that people are as blunt with him as he is with them, and rarer now that people tiptoe around his loss of a core. The crux of it is, too, that Lan Xichen has said that he cares about him, and that...
That prickles at him.
It's more than he ever expected to have. ]
It's the only way I know.
[ And isn't that true? Hasn't he spent his entire life trying to be good enough for two parents he could never please? Comparing himself to Wei Wuxian and never matching up?
How is he meant to be good enough here if he doesn't try to be whatever Gusu Lan needs? ]
[ This is what Xichen has been trying to tell him. It's good that is getting through, a little. ]
Ah. Then, perhaps, if you allow me, we can seek a different way together?
[ He's not trying to tell him how, because they both have much to learn - about each other, about their situation now. But finding a way together would make sense, would it not? ]
[ The implication lingers in the air for a moment, acknowledged by Xichen lowering his eyes, but then they return to Wanyin, along with a slow, sweet smile that is just for him. ]
I am glad.
If you wish, I'll spend tomorrow, should nothing unexpected arrive, near you during the day, and then we can discuss it? I may have questions, or you might. Knowing and communication seem like a good place to begin.
[ his bright eyes promise, just a little, that what they are beginning might not be limited to what can be done for the sect. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
aweeeehhh
Instead, he forces himself to consider for a moment, to put himself in Wanyin's place, and try to discern what he may need - aside from what cannot be returned to him - so he can attempt making things better, rather than aggravate the situation.
He knows ... the kind of way Wanyin and Wei Wuxian used to be, and Jiang Yanli, too, even. Vivacious, bantering, a little too loud, a little too brash for their current surroundings. And Wanyin, who has sacrificed himself for the sake of his clan, must feel extremely isolated and homesick, surrounded by deceptive softness and the absence of the heat that means all is well, for him.
But even under the best of circumstances, the most that comes naturally to Xichen is gentle teasing, and that only when he knows it won't hurt the other person. He cannot reassure his husband as the man needs to be reassured. Yet...
He has stayed awake tonight because he knows that further silence will not mend anything. He can't give Wanyin what Wanyin needs, but he can still try to give him something more than what he has been receiving here. He can try directness. That should be better than evasion, would it not?
Instead of soft, almost forlorn, his question, as he bends to assist the other man, holds the slightest edge. Not of anger, but of... traction, he hopes. Of wishing to meet him halfway, rather than resign himself and leave his husband... alone. ]
Wanyin. Will I forever be a stranger to you?
i’m already obsessed
It couldn’t be a Jin, that would defeat the point. Nie Mingjue, for all that he is strong and honourable, was too warmongering and he and been concerned about the aid he might have offered. His brother was too close a friend and wouldn’t bring the right diplomacy. Then there were the Lan - honourable and kind, willing to aid, to negotiate, to work with them. He could’ve gone for a smaller sect, but for his own to grow their prestige again… he would never have asked for Lab Wangji, not with how his brother’s eyes gazed on him, and so…
And so, somehow, he’d stuck his neck out for the first jade, the most handsome and talented man of their generation, and he had agreed. An investment for the future, once a-jie returned the Jiang to glory, and a decent man to wed himself to who wouldn’t be cruel or harsh. Someone who might understand the bitterness that Jiang Cheng feels more often than not, who wouldn’t push him too far or too cruelly.
He never expected sweetness or softness. They were not a love match. They were not borne for tenderness, and he was never the kind of man to be able to master it either. But now…
When he looks at Lan Xichen, his husband, bound to each other in this life, he cannot help but feel a pang of something in his heart. It would be too terribly easy to love him, wouldn’t it?
Lifting his gaze from the table, feeling ashamed and somehow scolded despite the softness of the question, he hesitates. He doesn’t know what to do here, now to navigate such a personal and intimate relationship when the only reference he has are two parents who argued as bitterly and angrily as they loved. He’s too much like his mother, he knows it, and so he’s barricaded his complaints and uncertainties so as not to upset their balance.
Eventually, he breathes out a soft, sad little sound. ]
… I know you didn’t want this marriage, that you were - helping us. I don’t want to impose on your life more than I already have, isn’t that fair? You’ve done so much, done enough, and I…
[ Barely a scrap of time into their marriage and he has already fumbled, already failed. ]
they be like that. not nearly as obvious as others, but take your breath away
[ Soft sound, and thoughtful.
Perhaps this is not the marriage he had envisioned, if nothing else for the fact it was necessitated out Wanyin's need and dependence. But it was certainly not something he had personal objections to, and seeing his husband, who is clearly in emotional pain that he has no way to let out, suffer so? Does not sit well with him at all. Whether... there will be love, Xichen cannot say and, given his father's history, he is not certain it should be, even if his heart aches at putting distance between them. But pain, he cannot but attempt to heal. It is the way he is. ]
Have I given you cause to know that I did not want the marriage?
[ He lets the question linger, before clarifying. ]
Because I can assure you, if I had not wanted it, it would not have happened. There would be other ways to ensure the help for your clan.
[ Xichen is aware that he is ... mild, and even sometimes easy to push into certain conclusions and decisions, when he is not certain of his way. But there ever have been limits to it, and this - committing his life to spend by someone else's side, as spouses - is one of them. ]
yes!!
Xichen is so calm, so at peace, that it makes Jiang Cheng want to tear his own hair out. He is doing all he can to be the best of spouses, but in doing so he has become the worst of them. He's well aware that Lan are said to love only once in their lifetime, and he has stolen that from Xichen in their marriage of convenience. He should try, he tells himself, to be sweeter and softer, to be a proper spouse, to be a proper Lan-gongfu.
And yet. ]
Agreement does not mean contentment! I've seen that enough to know better.
[ Bowing his head, he grits his teeth, forcing himself to breathe in and breathe out. ]
I am not the partner you would have chosen. Should I not be sorry about it?
UGGHH EMOTIONS
Lan Xichen would never have allowed himself to choose. That his brother did was going to be enough.
But, in the way that Wanyin means it... ]
I... suppose as your own choice was taken away from you by necessity, and you considered me the best option for your sect, regardless of personal feelings, it would stand to reason that it would seem so. But, before things went... into necessity. Could either of us have considered the other a possible choice?
[ A moment, and Xichen shakes his head. ]
Please, forgive me. To answer your question, I hold you to nothing that you need be sorry for.
What I do know is that we are wedded, and you are all alone, after every single thing in your life has been overturned, and - you are a person, too. You have made every effort to abide by our rules. And I have been remiss in seeing to your needs, as well.
no subject
[ Formality slips as Jiang Cheng lifts his head, dazed by the implication that someone like Xichen might in some way not be good enough. He is the intruder here, slipping into this place as if he has any right to it, a coreless nobody with barely a scrap of a sect to his name. The entire cultivation world knows that the Lan Sect had done a great favour to the Jiang by marrying him, not just for the alliance, but because of the famed temper of Jiang Wanyin himself.
He is no great beauty, nor mind, and he has no skill behind him now. He was not a good prospect. Even before the loss of his core, he was only fifth, with so many betters above him.
Unguarded, now, with his frustration like wildfire, blazing through him.
Coreless, scarred, bitter and broken, all Jiang Cheng can do is snap, harsh and cruel. ]
Are you a fool, now? What needs do you need to see to, when it comes to me? I have a room, and I am cared for, and your disciples are polite. I can teach them sword forms, even if I cannot do anything else. I have my family safe, and I am in your debt for it. You owe me nothing!
[ Taking a step back, alarmed by his own outburst, he shakes his head, bending to tidy things again. ]
I am fine. What more need I ask for than this?
no subject
[ There is only the faintest hint of a smile, he knows better than to even appear to mock the first flash of how Jiang Wanyin is he has seen in a very long time, but he is relieved, for that small amount of trust, even with the immediate alarm after it.
A soft breath out. Then his words return to the question asked. ]
The needs that leave your eyes hollow and your step uncertain. The needs, unmet, that leave you seeking to erase yourself--
[ Xichen trails off, helplessly, as memory brings to him another figure, married into Lan out of necessity, imprisoned, nigh completely erased from the mind of nearly all others. He blinks again, averting his eyes for a moment to try to conceal the emotion that blazes in them, his calm broken unexpectedly, thoroughly. Honesty spills out through the cracks, low and quiet and raw. ]
I... do not wish to see you suffering more than you already are.
no subject
They’ve made proper bows. There’s no changing anything. ]
Cotton in your ears! I’m not suffering.
[ He doesn’t know enough of Xichen’s parents and heritage to understand where the concern comes from, where the aches and hurts arise. He doesn’t know anything other than Xichen being good, kind and wise. The pain of his past is an unknown story. ]
Is it so bad a thing for me to want to be good for you? To make this easier, in all the ways I can?
no subject
Somehow, explaining it to anyone else would have been easier. But they are who they are. ]
No, it is not a bad thing at all. But it is not I who needs things easier. I truly am content, to have you, specifically, by my side, come what may.
[ Xichen takes a slow breath, then motions towards the tea table set deeper into the room, and not overturned. ]
Would you indulge me and join me for a little while? I have a story to tell you.
no subject
Resisting the urge to say any more on it, he tucks his sleeves aside and makes himself comfortable, kneeling beside the now fixed and handsome table. It’s where he has been sitting for most evenings, before slipping away and off to his own sad bed. ]
I’ll indulge you. Do you want me to make tea?
[ Even if he didn’t want to listen to Xichen speak more, he’d still have stayed.
It was only right. ]
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[ An white jar gets settle on the table with a soft sound. ]
You may be curious to know that the rule forbidding drinking in the Cloud Recesses... is not because drink - in moderation - is evil. We simply have very, very low tolerance for it. An issue that Wanyin is unlikely to have to contend to.
[ The tea is, of course, still an option, but not the only option.
Xichen's self-deprecating smile fades, as memories flit through his mind. ]
The story I wish to tell you may not be easy to hear. But it might help you understand a little better why, while I could not tell you that you are mistaken that I would not have chosen you... it is not because I would not want you, but because I would not have chosen anyone, if I could help it.
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The thought strikes him as rude, somehow, so he says nothing of it and swallows it all away instead. ]
I grew up with Wei Wuxian. It would be dangerous if I couldn't handle my drink.
[ Still, he goes for the tea first, perhaps in deference to his husband's inability to drink without embarrassing himself. Settling, he frowns a little, leaning forward just-so. ]
You're not required to tell me anything. You know that.
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I rather thought it would not be a problem.
[ He will not yet say the part that when you find your one person, you no longer need me bound by he rules. Because... ]
I do know I'm not required, Wanyin. I am telling you of my own accord, because I think it will be good for you to know, and because it may help you understand some things about me, and about us.
Or it might not.
[ Xichen does need a fortifying sip of tea before actually beginning, however. ]
My mother was from Caiyi town, and that is where my father met her, on his return item a night hunt. For him. She was that only one. But, to her, he was not. I knew not exactly what happened, but she ended up hurting - killing - some of his teachers. She would have been executed, were it not for my father, the sect leader, marrying her and thus granting her protection.
She was a prisoner. To atone for what he had done, my father was almost constantly in seclusion, forcing my uncle to take care of the sect until the day I succeeded as sect leader.
[ And yet, for all his wife was not into him, he sired two children with her. The implications are not brought to attention, but they still weigh heavy on Xichen's mind. ]
Back then, I promised myself I would not become my father. To make sure of that, I have disallowed myself from looking for that special person.
[ Slowly, he unclenches his tight hold around the teacup lest it shatters. ]
You see, you do not stand in the way of my happiness, for that path, I have locked away for myself long ago.
But you are here, and we are wedded, and we may yet find happiness, or at least contentment. Or we can remain strangers and not try for it.
I will not press either on you. But I need you to know that both paths are open to you.
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There had been stories about the former Lan Sect Leader, of course, but he'd never paid too much attention to them, more focussed on his own messy family life to worry overmuch about someone else's. For as long as Jiang Cheng had cared to pay attention to Gusu Lan, Xichen had been the one in charge and directing things, so learning about the previous sect leader and his wife wasn't important at all.
He realises, now, that might have been intentional; burying the story somewhat to make it more difficult for people to see the darker side of what might have taken place in the Cloud Recesses, especially with the implication of a lack of love between mother and father. For all that Jiang Cheng's parents had been at each other's throats constantly, he was sure there was some love between them, at least.
(Or, was it more like Lan than he thought? His mother certainly loved his father, but in return, did he...? Better not to think too much about that).
It makes sense, then, why Lan Xichen would accept this marriage. With no desire to find his other half, his special someone, arranging a wedding for the sake of a decent alliane was a good option. It was not for any particular liking of Jiang Cheng, or any real thought that this marriage might be better than any other, but because he had given up on the kind of love that other people were able to enjoy.
It shouldn't sting as much as it does, but Jiang Cheng came into this marriage knowing he was a poor prize, that he was not worth that much, not until a-Jie recovered his sect. He would never be able to be anyone's special person, and he couldn't be that to Lan Xichen. It's a bitter pill to accept, even as he swallows another long drink of his tea.
This truly was a kindness on the behalf of the Lan Sect Leader, and Jiang Cheng understands it for what it is - just as he recognises his role for what it has to be.
Unfortuntely, Jiang Cheng also doesn't know how to stop his mouth. ]
That was stupid of you. You're not like your father, and you deserved a chance to find someone to love you properly. For being so smart, Lan Xichen, you're also an idiot.
[ Eyes widening, he ducks behind his teacup. ]
... Well. Either way, the choice has been made now. I'm not planning on being a bad husband, no matter what your reasons are, even if I can't cultivate. I can be useful in other ways.
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Wanyin, that I've stopped myself from trying to find the one I would choose does not mean that I'd not be loved. Nor finding the one I do would mean that they would love me in return.
And whether or not you can cultivate will make no difference if I were to allow myself to look and find that he person is you, anyway.
[ slow, and careful , and inexorable. Chew on that, husband of his. ]
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[ It comes out easily - perhaps too easily, a betrayal of Jiang Cheng's own private thoughts - before he takes another long drink of his tea. If he's going to keep putting his foot in his mouth, he might need to swap to the alcohol before their evening is over.
Feeling a sudden flush of embarrassment, he glances away, unable to look Xichen in the eyes. To hear it said so boldly... It hits him, and makes him shift awkwardly where he's sat. ]
There are better places to look for that kind of thing. [ But they're already married. He doesn't imagine that Xichen is the kind to stray from a marriage, no matter how political, but... He bites the inside of his cheek before he breathes out. ] You don't have to sugarcoat it for me.
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I do not lie. And I disagree that there are better places, better people, to look for it than you.
[ Slowly, letting Wanyin reject it if he wishes, he reaches to him to place a hand on his shoulder and squeeze it gently. ]
Misfortunes that befell you have not dimmed the bright fire of your heart, the depths of your loyalty, or, when need calls for it, the clarity of your sight.
There are many reasons for my agreement to this union. Pity had nothing to do with them.
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Ah.
[ He glances away, embarrassed, cheeks too red. ]
I didn't think it was. I made you a good deal, that's all.
[ Looking at the hand touching him, he swallows. ]
Even then, I'll be doing my best.
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[ Gently, still, but firmly, also.
A beat, then. ]
I have no doubt that you will, but it may be more productive if we work a little on what you can be doing your best towards.
I, for one, do not wish you to be doing your best towards becoming someone you're not, only because you think - mistakenly - that the nonexistent person is what my sect, or I, need.
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[ Not exactly what his mother had been, but something similar. She had done her best and had been a good leader when needed, but he understands she had been bitter and cool, too. He can't deny that.
Jiang Cheng doesn't want to be as miserable as he thinks his mother was, but he also refuses to not be useful. To not be something good for his new sect.
That, at least, he can achieve. ]
I'll do whatever is needed of me, and be glad for it.
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Though he doesn't withdraw his gaze. ]
Do you think they need an example who is trying to eradicate his personality, then, who is trying to become someone he is not, because he thinks - incorrectly, as it happens - that it is the only way?
Consider, for example, the way the disciples of Gusu Lan sect, who are bound by the same rules. But the way that Wangji follows them differs from the way that my uncle follows them, and both of them differ from the way that I do.
There are many ways to achieve the same goal. And, as someone who is your husband and as someone who cares for you, I do not want you to twist yourself until everything you do hurts, and that pain is very difficult to fix.
Today, it may be restlessness, tiredness, feeling that you do not suffice. Tomorrow, it may hurt you more.
And I wish you to be happy, even if neither of us knows what that is, right now.
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That prickles at him.
It's more than he ever expected to have. ]
It's the only way I know.
[ And isn't that true? Hasn't he spent his entire life trying to be good enough for two parents he could never please? Comparing himself to Wei Wuxian and never matching up?
How is he meant to be good enough here if he doesn't try to be whatever Gusu Lan needs? ]
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Ah. Then, perhaps, if you allow me, we can seek a different way together?
[ He's not trying to tell him how, because they both have much to learn - about each other, about their situation now. But finding a way together would make sense, would it not? ]
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... I'll - of course, I'll allow. I don't want us to live in misery.
[ Like his parents. It's unsaid, but... ]
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I am glad.
If you wish, I'll spend tomorrow, should nothing unexpected arrive, near you during the day, and then we can discuss it? I may have questions, or you might. Knowing and communication seem like a good place to begin.
[ his bright eyes promise, just a little, that what they are beginning might not be limited to what can be done for the sect. ]
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